More than words

The truth about placement

Yesterday, it was one month since Brenna first came home.  Amazing that it really doesn’t seem like a month - it seems like she never left in some surreal way.  We are still adjusting - more than anything, Ailish is still adjusting, and to some extent, Kieran, but I feel like we’re still moving in the right direction.  I realized today when I updated our Dry Erase calendar and could finally write “First Day of School,” that it was still 34 days away.  This is when we get into the nitty gritty of things.  The girls (with the exception of Kieran) have had their month of sleeping in, hanging out, enjoying their free time.  Now, the boredom has set in.  What’s funny is that last night at the Awards Ceremony for Jr. Lifeguards, the program team invited anyone in this session to come back to the next session, which starts on Monday.  Kieran said no, she wanted to enjoy her summer (and she has swim clinics in the afternoons for the next two weeks, so it wouldn’t work out, timing-wise, anyway), but only a day into her “summer,” she’s already bored to tears.  If we didn’t have those swim commitments in the afternoons, I’d take the opportunity over the next two weeks to make bigger outings - head to the beach, maybe to Melrose, or some other cool L.A. institution, maybe hit a museum, but those commitments come first.  Her last clinic is on the 23rd, and I am having surgery on the 30th, which will knock me out for at least a week (but hopefully I’ll be upright for Brenna and Ailish’s orientations), and then we’re right back into the school stuff.  I need to start brainstorming how to make the best of that week right now, but for the moment, we have to get through the next 13 days without all hell breaking loose.

If you’ve just found me through Michael Schofield’s blog, thank you.  Thank you for all of the notes I’ve received over the past couple of days.  I can’t believe my blog has been up and running for four tumultuous years.  Michael and Susan have been through such a horrible time, and Jani’s situation is in some ways so much worse than ours.  We definitely struggle with medications - Brenna has a tremor that will not go away, but without her meds, she can’t function, so it’s one of the things we trade off.  But the Schofields are struggling with some huge issues of medication and long term hospitalizations that we have not had to deal with.  I can only hope to give them as much information as I can about my journey, and to help them spread the word that these are true medical conditions we are dealing with, medical conditions that need more support, empathy and funding.

To that end, I was just looking back at my blog today, going back to June/July 2007.  Because I did not want to make waves, I did not share the reason for my numerous trips to Texas that summer, the reason for Brenna and Ailish’s quick departure.  But I shared that reason with Michael and Susan, and that is why their daughter is not in the placement my girls were in, the only placement that would agree to take Jani.

This placement, as I mentioned before, is in the middle of nowhere in Texas.  It’s two hours from everything - Austin, Houston, San Antonio, Corpus - you name it, it’s in the heart of nowhere.  This might seem a good location for kids who are out of control, given that they might think twice about running if there’s nowhere to run, but what I found is that the employment pool is not what you would hope for when you’re thinking about who will be caring for your children, day in and day out.  I had some misgivings along the way, but mostly I thought things were going well.  Until the day in June when I received a call from the girls’ case manager.  She wanted to follow up with me about the incident.  “What incident?” I asked as I pulled up to the elementary school to pick up Kieran.  “You weren’t called about this earlier?”  No, no I wasn’t.  As it turns out, *four* days prior to this call, my girls had indeed been involved in an “incident.”  One of the girls on their cottage had told them for months that she was psychic, which they had played off as no big deal.  But then the girl told them that on my next flight out, my plane was going to crash, and they had to stop me from flying out.  As Brenna told me later, she knew it probably wasn’t true, but what if she didn’t try, and I ended up dying?  It broke my heart as she explained she’d never forgive herself if it had been true.

The three girls devised a plan to run during their pool time.  The pool was an outdoor one, near the edge of the campus.  While the girls ran laps drying off, the three of them, led by their “friend,” diverted away from the rest of the group.  It wasn’t until one of the other girls in the group noticed the three of them missing that staff responded.  Two of the staff members pursued on foot, while Brenna and Ailish and the other girl ran through the coarse wooded area barefoot.  It was a few hundred yards before staff caught up with them.  Ailish stopped, scared out of her mind, and Brenna slowed, but even though she slowed, the staff who caught up with her grabbed her by the hair and slammed her, face-first, into the ground.  Her face was cut, from eye to chin, by a large branch.  The other girl was thrown to the ground as well.  On the way back to campus, as Ailish (who has no reason to lie for her sister, since she doesn’t like her and has nothing to gain from this) told me Brenna was repeatedly pushed or knocked into rocks, trees and branches, and when she tried to get up, staff would knock her back down and then scream at her to get up, asking her why she was resisting.  She wasn’t resisting.  This happened over and over and over again.  When they finally got back to campus, got back to the van, staff literally *threw* Brenna into the van, where she hit the bar attaching the bench to the floor, leaving a huge bruise on her thigh.  Ailish was unhurt - she was actually offended by this.  “What?  Didn’t they think I was running?  I was doing it too!” 

The girls were seen by a nurse who said Brenna’s injuries were, “consistent with those of someone running through the woods.”  I don’t think so.

The staff who did this to the girls continued to work on the cottage over the next several days.  The girls were afraid to tell me because they didn’t want staff to hear.  They were terrified.  When I found out from the case manager, who had been on vacation, she downplayed the whole thing, saying Brenna just had a few scratches, nothing serious, everything was fine.  When I talked to the girls, their voices small and scared, I knew there was more to it than that.  I immediately booked a full price flight out to Texas.  I had to see for myself.

Brenna’s wounds, though five days old, were still deep.  The gash on her face was still red and crusted, the bruises on her legs, arms and stomach were readily apparent.  She looked as if she’d been beaten.  She had.  I took pictures, documenting everything.  I was ready to fight this.  I didn’t want these staff members ever near my daughters again.

The next day, armed with photos, I met with state investigators and with the administrators of the school.  They interviewed the girls.  I offered to give them photos - they declined.  I told them everything I knew regarding the incident.  I kept the girls at my hotel, trying to give them some semblance of security during my brief four days there.  I was told the staff was on administrative leave, and regardless of what happened, they would never work on the same cottage as my girls again.

A few weeks later, I received a phone call that the matter had been, “resolved,” and that the state and the school had found no negligence or abuse on the part of the staff.  I disagreed with both of those findings.  They were clearly negligent in allowing the run to happen in the first place.  They didn’t even realize the girls were gone until another girl told them, and had the girls been successful in their run, they would have found themselves in darkness, on a creek that housed alligators, among other things.  As for the abuse, it was self evident.  Whatever the girls did, Brenna did not deserve to be treated the way she was, and every single girl on her cottage witnessed the way she was brutally thrown into the van. 

Still, the authorities found no cause of action, and reinstated the two employees involved, on the same cottage as the girls.  This was devastating.  My girls were terrified of these women, and yet they would be forced to be with them.  They were clearly in an unsafe environment - it was definitely no longer therapeutic for them to be there.

My first instinct was to run and grab them from the school, but I also knew that I could not have them here.  They still needed help, far more than I could give them.  Yet, my heart was absolutely breaking.  I made the decision for my girls to go to this school - I put them in harm’s way.  I was responsible for the scars they were bearing.  I went out the next weekend to spend time with them and explain that it was not okay what those staff had done, and that I was doing everything I could to change things.

I wanted to file a complaint with police, but Brad told me I probably wouldn’t have any case, especially not in Texas, where the “had it coming,” defense is still used to this day.  My girls were just some other delinquents, not worthy of being treated with kindness or respect.  Instead, I called the Department of Mental Health, who knew about the situation, and explained that my girls could no longer be there.  They worked quickly to find new placements, but explained that the girls would most likely be split up.  As difficult as it was to hear that, I knew the primary goal had to be getting them out of there.

Soon, we had beds available in San Francisco for Ailish, and in Denver for Brenna.  I had no idea what I was looking for, or what was right versus wrong, what would work out for the best.  That’s the hardest part about this whole placement situation.  It *all* looks depressing - how do you separate that from the situation and decide whether this is a place you’d leave your child in someone (in a multitude of people’s) else’s care?

Ailish’s placement looked very depressing - it was an old, well-worn building, but at home, our doors had been knocked in, our walls had holes in them from the kicking, I knew what they could do.  My sister-in-law and I asked lots of questions, and we heard all the right answers, and I loved the idea that she was in this state.  Without many options (okay, no options), I said yes.  With Brenna’s, I didn’t even look first, I just said go.  I had seen the website for it and thought it looked like exactly what she needed.  That whole week was a blur of movement, colored now by the threat of medical emergency, given the fact that I was harboring a dangerous blood clot the entire time.  Even if I’d known then that I had the clot, I would have kept going.  I was driven by a desire to get them out, get them out as quickly as possible, keep them safe, let them know I love them and I will never stop fighting for them.

When I picked Brenna up first, the absolutely hardest part was leaving Ailish.  Even though I knew I’d be back three days later, I couldn’t stand leaving her there.  I wanted to just take her home with me, keep her safe for those three days.  But I also knew that the staff thought Ailish was cute, harmless, and that they wouldn’t hurt her, whereas Brenna was in more danger.  I don’t think I have ever breathed a larger sigh of relief as when our flight left Texas, and I knew Brenna was going to a better place.

It would be her home for almost the next two years, and she *was* safe there.  The location of the school, in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area, made it much more possible that staff would be selected not just for the fact that they were walking and talking, but also because they truly wanted to work with kids who had difficulties.  I loved that they had a unit dedicated solely to working with out of control kids.  I knew this was what Brenna needed.

As for Ailish, the school she went to gave me misgivings almost immediately, as she was attacked by another child with peanut butter - I know that sounds a little silly, but Ailish is deathly allergic to peanut butter, and the staff took a very nonchalant attitude towards it.  She also had health issues that were never clearly addressed by staff - when I picked her up, I’d find out she was medically in a near-crisis state, and I would have to deal with that first before any kind of visiting could happen.  The computers in the placement, touted as being completely safe, also became a vessel for other residents to introduce her to very adult subjects, something she brought home with her.  I am still to this day convinced that something more happened to her there, but she will not talk about it.  I only know that she brought home scars that lie much deeper than Brenna’s ever will.  Was she ready to come home when she did?  Absolutely not, but at that point, I had no choice.  I had to get her out of that environment.  I wish more than ever that what happened at home hadn’t happened, because it made Ailish feel like a failure, and it gave Kieran her own physical and emotional scars, but I didn’t have a choice.  Something about these illnesses creates the most impossible choices imaginable.  How do I pick one child over the other?  How do I leave a child in a place where I’m not sure they’ll get the best care?  Think about how much thought goes into hiring a babysitter - now imagine considering a whole group of people taking care of your child for months, even years, at a time.  How do you know those people actually have your child’s best interests at heart?  You don’t, and you never will.  You can only say that the alternative is not livable.  At the time, it truly wasn’t.  We were in fear for our lives, we were in fear for their lives.  We had no other choice but to remove them to another, more secure, more regulated placement.  Now, we weigh the odds again.  Are they “cured?”  By all means, no.  Will we ever be that happy family I once imagined?  No.  Can we avoid any more hospitalizations or placements?  I have no idea.  I only know that at the time, that was the only option we had.  More than anything, I strongly believe that California needs its own placement options - ones that don’t require us to be destitute, on MediCal, or single parents.  We shouldn’t have to relinquish our children to the state (as parents I know have had to do) just to get them the help they desperately need.  It was a horrible feeling to know that my children were 1500 miles away - a three hour plane ride plus two hour drive plus two hour time change, that’s a whole day away - from any help we could provide them.  Do I regret the scars they bear from their time in placement?  Absolutely, but I cannot bear that on my own.  Those scars belong to the institutions, to the people who refused to listen, who refused to bear witness to the photographs I produced, who refused to help them when they needed it the most.

I truly believe that the girls' last placement was the best.  I believe that it was exactly what they needed, and ultimately, it has given them a lot of the skills they needed to make it in the real world.  Will they use them?  I won't know until August.  But even with its flaws, it is the only placement I would recommend without question.  No placement can substitute for a family, no placement can give a child the attention she would receive from her parents, but they got the big stuff right, and that's important.

Do I think this system is corrupt?  No.  I think this system is badly, badly broken.  I think that most people view mentally ill kids as “bad” ones.  Kids who can’t be fixed, so why bother?  Is that the way we view pediatric cancer patients, or kids with CF, or with some other life-threatening illness?  These kids deserve every chance that can be offered to them.  There are shining examples of those who overcome mental illnesses to do great things - there are also examples of those who are incredible geniuses, eventually succumbing to the illnesses they fought for years to hold back.  Our kids need every ounce of energy, every bit of money, poured into their futures.  Because it’s not just about our kids succeeding - it’s about preventing useless tragedies, such as Columbine, Virginia Tech, Kip Kinkle, the list goes on.  People may want to demonize the criminals in these cases, but they were every bit the kids who needed our help the most.  Where was the help when they needed it?  I don’t know - but I know I will do everything in my power to make sure my girls find their way in this world.  I don’t know if I will succeed, but I won’t give up.  I will never give up.

July

A dear friend of mine suggested that I need a chapter in my book titled simply, "July."  There are so many reasons why I agree with her.

It’s been a long 10 days.  We had a storm move in, and though it appears to have passed for the moment, I know it’s never really over.  I have no idea when those storm clouds are going to come back, and seeing what I saw, I’m even more scared of the possible damage.  But we’ll backtrack...

On the 29th, Brenna saw her both her pediatrician and her psychiatrist, so we could try to piece together the gap in the meds, lost in the mail.  Her psychiatrist wasn’t thrilled with the patching together we’d done with her meds, but we really didn’t have a choice.  The most difficult part was the insurance company, who didn’t want to cover the extra medications.  I tried to explain, those medications were lost in transit, but after wrangling for more than an hour, I just decided to pay for the 7 days that the Depakote would be uncovered (26.00, versus 10.00 for a month’s dosage normally), and the psychiatrist changed the Abilify’s dosage just enough that it was covered as a new prescription (which would have cost us 115.00 for seven days’ worth).  Of course, the next morning, what arrived?  That’s right, the meds from the school.  It’s okay, it’s all good.

On the 30th, we had an exciting night planned.  Since we didn’t have plans for the 4th of July, the first time we haven’t had plans since the girls were small, we wanted to do something special, and the Dodgers were planning their fireworks for Tuesday night, their last night game before the 4th.  After we picked Kieran up from Junior Lifeguards (where she spent the day at Hurricane Harbor, our local water park), she got showered, and we all got dressed in our Dodger Blue finest and headed down to the stadium.  Brad met us there, and we all settled in - the first time all five of us were at a game ever.  I’ve taken all three girls at different times (and even twice, the four of us, which was kind of disastrous), and we had a game last year where Brad and Ailish sat in a different section while Kieran and I sat together, but this was a really momentous event for us as a family.  Sadly, the Dodgers lost (although I am not sure the girls realized it - I know for sure that Ailish didn't!  She was a good sport, though, she didn't whine at all about being bored.  Thank goodness for cell phones and chocolate malts!), but the fireworks made up for it.  It was very cool to be right there - I’m so happy we went.

 

July, the month I fear most, the month where Ailish has historically fallen apart to some degree every year for the last six years, arrived calmly enough.  Wednesday, after such a long day at the water park and a late night with baseball, Kieran and I chose to sleep in and miss Junior Lifeguards.  Brad took Brenna to work with him while I took Ailish and Kieran to the mall with me.  We were looking for a few more pieces for school, and Macy’s had some good deals.  I had to laugh when we were at another store and Kieran gasped and said loudly, “17.00 for a skirt?!  Are these people crazy?!”  I am even prouder of putting them on their own clothing budgets - it keeps me from picking up clearance items just because they are on clearance, and it really keeps them focused on what they actually need.  I think all three girls enjoyed their day out, and then we raced home just in time to get Kieran ready for swim that afternoon.

Thursday, dang that Thursday, I forgot again about Ailish’s therapy appointment, even with a reminder on my phone (which had a foreign tone I couldn’t recognize - go figure).  Brad stood, looking at the calendar, and asked, “What is this appointment at 9:00?”  Yikes!  I woke Ailish at 9:02, rushed her into clothes and over to her appointment, “only” 20 minutes late.  I’m usually so good with appointments - I have no idea why I have such a blind spot for this, but I have a really hard time with it.  Honestly, though, it’s kind of like no harm, no foul, as this therapist, through the County’s program, is only allowed to stay with her until Junior High, so she will be transitioning next week to a new therapist.  Seems kind of silly to only see her for a few months, but we do what we’re told.

That night, we had the coolest opportunity.  As part of Kieran’s Junior Lifeguard program, we were invited to a family movie night.  The movie was played on a giant blow up screen on the beach of the lake.  It was an absolutely perfect night - not too cold, not too hot, the sunset was beautiful, and the movie was Bolt, one that only one out of the five of us had seen.  We loved the movie, and loved just having yet another night with the five of us together. 

Friday was Brad’s day off, and Kieran doesn’t have Guards on Friday, so that was our free day.  We spent most of the day just relaxing, trying to prepare for the next day, moving day.  I was feeling really good, actually, about how the family was doing.  I was still in that moment where I thought we were in a dream, everyone was getting along so well.

Saturday was a big ordeal - moving day.  There was no furniture involved, just clothes, and even still, the girls had a rough time with the whole thing.  All three of them fell apart at some point - the task just seemed so huge to them.  We were hoping to get the mattress that night, especially since Brenna’s blow up bed had sprung a leak and Kieran had been in our bed for the past several nights - all muscle and bone, I hadn’t been nudged that much in the ribs since I’d been pregnant!  But the girls were still lagging behind on the room change, so that didn’t happen until the next day.  Our 4th of July dinner was good, though - steaks, hamburgers and hot dogs, corn on the cob, homemade potato salad and my mom’s vinegar cucumbers.  Rather than watch fireworks, we spent that night in the pool, with a sky you could only call indigo, it was such a perfectly rich shade of blue.

The next morning, we set out to find that mattress, but first, the van needed to be cleaned out in order to fit our new purchase.  We enlisted Brenna to help, but we ran into the common problem with her - she just can’t seem to break down the simplest of chores.  I know this about her, and yet I’m still not sure how to handle it.  I sent her down to the garage a full 20 minutes before I went down, but I don’t think anything was done during that time.  She threw up her hands, made guttural sounds which I’m sure were some sort of excuses, but mostly, she just seemed stymied by the whole thing.  I wish I could have handled it with more grace, but I was exasperated.  I didn’t expect a spotless car, but I did expect some progress to have been made.  Brad came down, and together, we hauled out the miscellaneous blankets, extra juice boxes, extra water bottles and sweaters, all of the things we seem to have accumulated during the last two months.  Fortunately for me, unfortunately for the girls, I know the exact date that I last cleaned the car to spotlessness - May 3.  That was the day of the Girl Scout Tea, and I was taking 6 adults with me, so the entire car had to be cleaned out.  So in two months, we had gathered quite a disaster.  Brad and I counted, 14 *different* pieces of food stuck to the carpet, stuffed in the seat backs and door pockets, including a whole banana - one that I swore I’d been smelling for a week to the girls’ bewilderment.  That doesn’t mean only 14 pieces, just 14 different ones.  I know this is life with kids - as Brad says often, and with humor, “This is why we can’t have nice things!” and I know he’s right, but still, when I’m battling my own exhaustion, it’s very hard to have them working against me at the same time.  And, I don’t know, somehow I figured when they were 13, nearly 12 and 9, I wouldn’t have a car dirtier than I did when they were toddlers, but there you go.  Yes, I know the answer is no food in the car, but we live our lives too much on the run for that solution.  Instead, I go to the only thing that speaks - money.  I told them from now on, I was charging them .50 for each stray item found in the car, 1.00 for each food item found - and that was for all of them, because I know better than to play the finger pointing game.  It has worked pretty well with the energy initiative - our plan to charge a quarter for each light or TV left on when someone leaves the room.  I’m hoping it has the same effect for the car!

That day, we told Ailish about our plan for her birthday.  Initially, she wanted to go with me to the Mall of America in Minneapolis when I teach ScrapFest, but I had explained that the trip itself was the present - there would be no shopping money once she got there; she’d have to come up with that on her own.  But over the past month or so, she has really wanted a faster computer.  She’s been working on my old laptop, which I suppose is okay for most things, but she’s been getting more and more involved in editing her videos, and that’s impossible to do on this old, slow machine.  I found a deal for a nice laptop for $299, but we were not going to pay for it all on our own.  Number one, I’ve never spent that much on one person’s birthday, and number two, I knew she’d have more appreciation for it if she put some of her own money into it.  This would also alleviate the computer shortage, as all three girls were vying for the slow laptop and the slow desktop.  One more computer would make life much easier.  So we asked her, would she be willing to kick in either $200 and have the computer be her birthday present, or $100 and have it be her birthday/Christmas present?  But she would have to give up the mall trip.  That was a tough one, and she took awhile to decide, but ultimately, she decided she wanted the computer.  She’ll work and see if she can pay enough to not have it be her Christmas present also, but regardless, she’ll get it on her birthday, and that’s what mattered the most to her.

We also talked about her plans for her birthday “party.”  I tried as gently as I could to ask whom her guest would be.  I didn’t want to lay it out there that she doesn’t have friends whose parents know me - she has two very early friendships she’s working on, and I don’t think either parent would be too excited about just handing off their child for the day, but I might be wrong.  I just wanted a plan in place so that I could have some warning, the girl’s parents could have some warning, and we could work on the day’s plans.  She hemmed and hawed - I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this, I can just feel that it might end badly. 

With the car finally cleaned out, Brad and Brenna and I headed out for that mattress.  First, we went to Sams Club, because I had seen a mattress there for $99.  We stopped at a furniture store’s grand opening next to Sams Club, just to see if they had any good deals.  The cheapest they had was $199, so we decided to head on over to Sams.  We found the bed, with the 99.82 tag over it, and I picked up a few more grocery items before we headed towards the check out line.  On our way there, we passed by the grills.  Brad had mentioned to me that he thought our grill might be on its last legs.  The steaks had not turned out as well as he thought they should.  They didn’t seem to have any great deals, so we decided to head to Lowe’s after Sams.  When we got to the register, imagine my surprise when the mattress rang up for 193.42.  What?  I said no, it was nearly half that, so the cashier sent a supervisor back to look at it.  She came back several minutes later, stating that it was clearly a different mattress, even though the sign above it was the one I was talking about, and they were out of stock on the cheaper one.  I pitched a fit, and Brad and Brenna slinked off to the car, with the excuse that we had a propane tank in the back that needed to be refilled, but on a day in the 90’s, he didn’t want our car to explode.  A manager came and talked to me, lamely explaining that they had had the cheaper mattress earlier in the day, but it was sold out.  Whatever.  I stormed out with just the groceries.  We promised Brenna there would be a mattress in her future - and a near future at that.

We headed to Lowe’s, because it was so close, and found the grill of our (okay, probably my) dreams - a five burner with an extra burner on each side, on clearance!  And for every grill purchased that weekend, you got a free propane exchange, which was exactly what we needed.  Woot!  With the back of the van now full of grill, we headed home to drop Brad and the big box off, while Brenna and I did more searching for the mattress.

We went to several stores (including the mall, where I was happy to pay a delivery fee, even if it meant paying more than the $193, until they told me it couldn’t be delivered for nine days - that was nine more days of rib kicking than I could stand!) before finally ending up at another furniture store right next to Sams.  There, we found the perfect mattress, at the perfect price, $20 less than Sams, and they were having a no tax weekend, so all in all, we saved $38, and we took our mattress right home.  Success!  Exhausting success, but success nonetheless!  We came home to find Brad nearly done with the grill, so that night, with a new mattress in her room, and a new grill, we had a great dinner and we all had a good night’s sleep.

The next day, things came to a grinding halt.  There was another instance the day before, when Ailish had slapped Brenna *hard* on the back for joking around with Ailish's video camera.  She just stuck her finger in the shot, and not that finger, she was just goofing around, and Ailish hit her so hard, she left a whole handprint.  But this day, everyone was fair game.  After I picked Kieran up from Junior Guards, and we were trying to get ready for swim, for whatever reason, Ailish spun out completely.  She verbally attacked every single one of us - me, for not making sure she had something to do this summer, for “forcing” her to swim (even though I had told her repeatedly that it was her choice); Brad, for not being involved enough in her life; Brenna, for existing.  Truly, she was furious with her for living in her house; and, Kieran, for being a brat, for being perfect, for being mean, well, for being.  She said she hated her life, hated us, couldn’t believe that her friends would abandon her, couldn’t understand why we were all so mean to her, why her therapist was so perky, why she had to go to a therapist when none of us had to (actually, we’d like to, but until Brenna’s IEP, we weon’t have services in place), why we paid so much attention to Brenna and Kieran and none to her (keep in mind, just the day before, we explained to her she’d be getting a laptop) etc. etc.  It was a full tilt meltdown.  She went so far as to say she wanted to go to the hospital.  Those are scary words - those are words that give me goosebumps.  She said she wanted to go back to residential, because there she felt good, there she knew she was doing better than everyone else (that’s probably the most lucid thing she said throughout the hours-long episode).  I tried to talk to her, Brad tried to talk to her by phone, but she was just gone.  Brenna felt awful - she truly believed she was the reason for Ailish to fall apart.  I had to remind her - it’s not her, it’s not any of us - it’s July.  July is Ailish’s month to lose it, as she has done for years.  Somehow, she settled, and by the time Brad got home, she’d completely recovered.  It was as if nothing had ever happened.  I know that should be promising, but it’s not to me.  It makes me want my danger music even more - I need to know when she’s going to lose it so I can be more prepared.  These episodes that come out of nowhere are even more disconcerting than the ones I can see building.  I feel a little like I’m in the middle of a horror movie, and everyone else can see the slasher behind the curtain but me.

Yesterday, we all woke early to go to Kieran’s Junior Lifeguard Competition.  I knew that neither of the girls were interested in going, but I didn’t have much choice.  The girls couldn’t be trusted to be alone together, and we were more than an hour from home, so even leaving one at home was just out of the question.  I wanted to go and be a part of Kieran’s day, and they didn’t have anyone to hang with.  I decided to sweeten the deal by promising them if they behaved that we could go and have dinner with Brad in the city where he was working that day.  There’s a brand new mall that is a new favorite of theirs, and we would be nearly there at that point, so it seemed to make sense.  Thankfully, bored as they were, it did the trick.  Kieran was probably the worst behaved that day, which I’m not sure to attribute to nerves or exhaustion, both, or something else.  Finally, the competition was over, and we took our bright red selves (yes, even though I sunblocked, I still got burned, and Ailish got a shoulder burn) down to Brad’s work.  We did a little bit of shopping, Brenna spent the last bit of her school budget, and then we met up with Brad for dinner at the Yardhouse.  We got to watch the Dodgers beat the Mets while we had dinner, which was a lot of fun.  We didn't get to celebrate Duncan's 5th birthday (I can't believe our puppy is 5!) but we are going to go to PetSmart for him this weekend.  I told the girls I'm pretty sure he doesn't know exactly when his birthday is :)

My own storm had been brewing for several days.  I had first noticed another sore throat on the 3rd, but I didn’t think a whole lot of it besides I might be getting another cold.  Every day, the sore throat became worse and worse, until last night, it was really difficult to swallow.  I woke up three times last night due to the pain in my throat, so this morning, as soon as I dropped Kieran off at Junior Guards, I drove to Urgent Care.  The rapid strep swab was negative, so the doctor said I must have allergies.  I just couldn’t believe that was the reason, but I dutifully promised to take Sudafed and Claritin and wait for the Strep culture to come back.

It was all I could do to keep my eyes open today.  I mostly laid in bed dozing, and worked to break up fights between Brenna and Ailish, and, once she came home, Ailish and Kieran.  We planned to make chicken breasts on the grill - when Brad is home to cook on it, I am always happy to use his skills and stay out of the kitchen!  I slept until it was time to take Kieran to swim, but she said she was too tired, and I was too tired to argue with her, so I just gave up on the idea.  Kieran made rice, and I steamed up some veggies, and we sat through dinner, watching the Dodgers try not to lose (they did anyway) when suddenly I knew I was going to be sick.  Thank *goodness* Ailish chose that moment to go to the bathroom.  Even though I wish I could have gone there, I didn’t want her to have any idea that I was sick.  I ran to the kitchen sink, much to Brad, Brenna and Kieran’s mix of concern and disgust.  I felt so bad for ruining their dinner, but I also knew that this was it, I had to have strep.  That was the first clue for my last go round, though I hadn’t recognized it at the time.  So I reluctantly went back to Urgent Care, hoping that this time around, they would recognize that I needed more than an allergy medication.

Unbelievably, I got the same doctor, who actually said, “Have I seen you recently?”  Um, yes, this morning.  He seemed bewildered that I would be back - the strep test was negative, obviously I didn’t have strep.  I explained the new symptoms.  He asked did I want medication so I wouldn’t throw up?  Um, no....well, if I didn’t want that, there was nothing he could do for me.  I do have antibiotics from a previous infection, so I am going to go ahead and start that, and I’ll wait for the culture.

Hopefully, I will respond quickly, or get better for no reason, or whatever happens, it will work out so that I can continue to stay upright.  Tomorrow is Kieran’s last day of Junior Guards, and she has an Awards Night tomorrow night.  I definitely want to be up for that.  Not to mention, I need to get back in shape for the girls’ sakes.  The girls are somewhat like animals in that when I’m not at my best, they react by behaving worse.  While I was gone to Urgent Care, the three of them nearly got into a knock down drag out just trying to finish dinner clean up so that Brad could take them to the pool.  We still have nearly six weeks before Brenna and Ailish start school, so I’m really hoping that this is not how things are going to look next week when all three are home for the better part of the day.  We also still have 23 days left of July, which seems far more formidable than any other finish line.

The Weather Report

So here we are.  We are 12 days “post-visit.”  Even though Brenna got here on the 9th, I’m counting all of the days that are after when she would have gone back to school.  We’re here, all five of us, together.  And though keeping her without sending her back to handle her discharge properly has definitely resulted in hiccups, I’m still glad that we didn’t put her on that plane.  Her IEP can’t be held until at least July 21, which would have meant at least a month back at her school, and I think the wait would have been unbearable for everyone.  Having seen it both ways now - the long, anxiety-ridden countdown versus the, “Surprise!  You’re not home for a visit, you’re home for good!” I can tell you that I like the latter much better, even if it doesn’t mesh with the process.  There are issues with medication gaps, which is not a good thing, but we are trying to patch her together with old meds and were even able to get her into see her dr. on Monday, three days earlier than her original appointment.  There are issues with therapeutic gaps - she can’t have a new therapist until after the IEP.  There are definitely issues with the boredom factor of summer - going from a highly structured environment to the long, free-flowing days of summer vacation is tough.  And there are issues with a sister who hasn’t resolved her own situation and is definitely acting out against the changes.  But we are working with the issues - it’s not by any means easy, but we aren’t brought to our knees, we aren’t held hostage to them, we are doing our best to work with them.

Last weekend was a busy one.  I had a Girl Scout task force meeting about an hour from home on Saturday morning, and then came back in the afternoon so we could attend the family picnic of what will hopefully be Kieran’s new school.  The best part of that picnic was that Brenna and Ailish made a new friend, which was so great to see.  It’s been tough because both girls are kind of lost this summer without a social network.  Both are starting at brand new schools (and we won’t even know what school it will be for Brenna for another few weeks) without any friends at all, and both of them are without any ties to friends.  Brenna has one friend, a daughter of one of my friends, that she has been texting regularly, and hopefully they will be able to get together soon.  For Ailish, she has been texting one of her new Girl Scout friends, but I think it’s a tough age to start fresh with friendships for both of them.  I know it has been especially painful for Ailish to try to understand why her old friends have drifted, but we try to focus on the future.  I just hope that both of them make good choices, and don’t make bad decisions in the name of making or keeping new friends.  I know from personal experience that junior high can be a very dangerous time to try to fit in socially, so I’m holding my breath on that one.

I took the cloudy day opportunity to shoot a few pics of the girls.

Unfortunately, I spent Father’s Day in bed for the most part.  I got up and made Brad Cafe con Leche, which was one of his presents.  We haven’t had it since we got back from Miami in January, but I found one of the espresso pots and the authentic espresso at our market, so I decided to surprise him with it. 

I made funnel cakes for breakfast too, so he had a nice morning, but I was too sick for us to have the steak dinner we had planned.  He ran to In n Out so everyone could have burgers, which did make me feel bad, but I didn’t realize that was just the tip of the iceberg with my illness.  By the next morning, I couldn’t swallow or speak at all, so I dropped Kieran off at Jr. Lifeguards and then drove to Urgent Care.  It took several hours, but when the doctor looked in my throat, he took a step back, and said, “Have you looked at that thing?!”  Um, no... apparently one whole side was quite, um, infected.  He gave me the strep diagnosis and sent me on my way with an antibiotic prescription.  I picked up the medications and crawled back into bed.  I was thinking it would only take a day for the meds to kick in, but honestly, I did not feel 100% until Thursday.  I still have a lingering feeling that there’s something in the back of my throat, but I’m not looking!

Unfortunately, even though I was sick for most of the week, I still needed to get kids to their places.  Kieran had Jr. Lifeguards every morning bright and early, and then I had signed Brenna and Ailish up for swim lessons during the same time that Kieran practices, so that they would have something to do.  Any other week, this would have been a great idea, but I would have gladly skipped Kieran’s practice while I was under the weather.  No such luck!  It was probably all for the best - it made sure that Kieran got her practicing in too, even though she was exhausted.  Being in the sun for five hours - kayaking, calisthenics, open water swimming, and rescue drills - and then swimming for an hour straight is pretty tough on a 9-year-old.  I keep telling her she doesn’t have to be in front, just stay in the flow of things, but she is so competitive, it’s hard for her to hang back.  She loves Jr. Guards, so I know she doesn’t want to take away from that, and yet she wants to swim too.  We only have two more weeks of Jr. Guards, so hopefully after that, the afternoon swim won’t be such a struggle.

It’s been interesting watching her with Brenna and Ailish swimming.  At first, she was really mad at me for asking them if they wanted lessons.  I know I have previously held the conviction that everyone should have their own separate place to shine, but it’s summer, and I’m getting desperate!  I thought maybe if they wanted to just learn the strokes, at least they’d have something to look forward to each day and I wouldn’t have to drive all over town.  I told both of them that I didn’t expect a commitment of swim team from them at all, this was for fun, and if they really liked it, we’d see.  Kieran was quite angry with me, but once she got out of practice that day, she said she’d thought about it, and it was okay, and if I wanted to, I could take the money back and she’d teach them herself at home, which I thought was really sweet.  A couple of times this week, they’ve made it to the pool and she’s given them tips on breast stroke and diving.  It’s so amazing to see the difference a year has made for her.  While they make their awkward attempts, I remind her of where she started.  Thankfully I have the video to prove it :)  I don’t know if either of the girls will want to pursue it, and if they don’t, that’s really okay.  If they do, that will be wonderful too!  I just want to keep them occupied, and as long as they’re having fun, it’s a good thing.

One thing I did do for Brenna this week was to pick up her phone.  This was pretty huge - she hadn’t asked about it, but I knew the expectation would be for us to get her a phone, and I totally understood that, it was just a matter of making the time.  I decided to go on my own to get it, to keep her from looking at the fancy phones too lovingly.  I have told all three girls that they get the cheap phone, and if they choose to get a more fancy one, it will be on their own dime.  Brenna was thrilled when I brought it home, and has been happily texting ever since.

Friday, Brad worked from home, so Brenna and I went out to run several errands.  I am still slowly trying to build her nearly non-existent wardrobe, and do it in the most cost effective way possible, so we went to several stores in search of things that might fit.  She’s in that awkward place, between three different sizes, and there’s no way to know if it will fit until we get it on.  Not to mention, her definition of “fit” is very different from mine!  Still, it worked out well to keep her busy, keep her separate from her sisters for a bit.  As the days without her regular meds have worn on, she has had less and less patience for them, so we’ve been doing what we can to not tax her too much.

We are still in the process of physically settling in.  I was hoping we could get a bed for Brenna this weekend, but it just didn’t happen.  She’s been on the blow up mattress in Kieran’s room (otherwise known as the aqua room) since she got here, but we have plans to move her and Kieran into the pink room and moving Ailish into the aqua room.  The bunk bed is already in the pink room, we just need the second mattress to make it all happen.  But this was another busy weekend.  Sandy and Mark had a 25th anniversary party on Saturday afternoon, and I had offered to do a photo board for them.  Since I was sick for so much of the week, I didn’t get started on it until Saturday morning - that’s when I discovered my printer was having a moment.  A break down kind of moment.  I raced to Staples to get a new one and get the pictures copied in time to make the board.  I finished with moments to spare, and we all rushed out the door to get over there in time.  We had a great time, and I had one more divine lemon cupcake from Sugar Mama’s :) (and okay, yes, I sampled the red velvet and the chocolate banana one!)

This morning, I had another Girl Scout task force meeting an hour away.  Brenna had been busy working on chores so that she could go to the movies with her friend this afternoon, and was so happy that she had earned enough money, but the plans had to be postponed until tomorrow.  Even though it was just a change of one day, it was a tough blow for her, and just seeing her reaction to that made me realize how tricky this is all going to be.  Partly, it’s the medication situation - even though I have her on the same types of medications, they aren’t truly the same, and her everyday school life is going to be fraught with these kinds of changes in plans.  I encouraged her to take space from everyone, gather herself together, and when she stopped crying, I asked if she wanted to run an errand with me.  She gladly accepted.  She is still every bit my nonstop kid - from the time she was a baby, she had to be on the go.  Lazy summer days do not sit well with her.  It did make me a bit more nervous about how “real life” will look once school starts, but it’s unfair right now when she’s out of sorts medically, and I am going to try to stop predicting and go back to my day job of being a mom.

Tomorrow should be better - she’ll see her psychiatrist, she’ll have her medications back, and she sees the pediatrician too, so there should be enough activity in the day to make her happy.  I’m just hoping it doesn’t take long for everything to kick back in and balance out for her.

Ailish has been up and down all week.  At times she can be really helpful and really agreeable to changes in schedule, to disappointments, even to our request that she give Brenna a little extra breathing room.  Other times, she’s completely irrational, and there’s a layer of grandiosity there that we haven’t seen in awhile.  She also has a new anxiety related to her food allergies - no matter where the food is from, whether I’ve made it or it comes from a restaurant, she’s gotten into a checking rut with me.  “This doesn’t have nuts, right?  Are you sure it doesn’t have nuts?  No nuts, of any kind, anywhere?  It’s completely safe, right?”  Some of this is understandable - between the upheaval of Brenna back permanently, the loss of her friends, and her impending birthday, there’s a lot for her brain to chew on.  I am getting more nervous as we near her birthday.  Once it hits July 1, we are in for three weeks of anxious anticipation, and I have absolutely no idea what she’ll do for her day this year.  She doesn’t really have a friend to share her day with, and I’m pretty sure that fact will come up a lot over the next few weeks.  The whole thought of it is creating my own little anxiety ball, but I’m going to do my best to roll with it.

All in all, I think it’s better than I imagined it could be at this point in our lives.  I see some storm clouds on the horizon, but I’m hoping with everything I have that they are just that - a few clouds, no downpours on the way.  I’m going to keep my umbrella handy just in case.

Sometimes I can be wrong - and that's a really good thing

I have always said here that even if I felt 100% sure that my instincts were correct, I would be the first one to admit it when I was off.  I hoped to be off, I hoped that my natural pessmistic/realist self (and honestly, sometimes you can’t tell if one side is winning out more than the other until the event passes.  It’s kind of like that whole line between bravery and stupidity, and there’s no way to tell which side you land on until you can see the outcome) was blurring what good could possibly come of this.

I haven’t turned into Pollyanna, trust me.  I don’t believe for a moment that the next five or even ten years are going to be easy ones - for Brenna, for Ailish, for our whole family - but I have seen changes, and they are really good ones.  Changes that, dare I say it, may actually give our family a sense of normalcy that we haven’t had since Ailish was first hospitalized in 2003.  Now we are on the cusp of some pretty huge, tumultuous things here - high school, junior high, a change in schools for Kieran, so I have no delusions that our world will be stress-free.  But for the first time in a very long time, I can imagine having three children in my life, every single day.  I can imagine an entire year of holidays *together*, without involving an airplane.  I can imagine being a family.  Maybe not an average, every day family, we’re still held together by a motley cocktail of pharmaceuticals, but a family nonetheless.

I was so terrified of this visit with Brenna.  Honestly, it wasn’t even Brenna I was worried about.  I just felt like we had barely gotten Kieran and Ailish to a place where I could leave them in the room together and not worry that someone would get hurt, I didn’t know what adding arch enemies to the mix would do to us.  I very carefully scheduled her visit so that the first few days would have Ailish’s last days of school, giving them a break from each other.  Plus, giving Ailish a day where the attention was focused on her was really good for her.  Brenna was very loving that day towards her - even if Ailish grimaced when Brenna hugged her, I could tell she was trying.  Then Brenna got her day with Grammapoppa, which helped to separate them, and the next day we let Ailish stay home, to separate a little more.  Then yesterday, Ailish was able to spend the day with Grammapoppa and her cousin.  I think the most important thing is to carefully maneuver to give each of them some down time, some alone time so they can re-group.  But honestly, despite a few little jabs here and there (which is totally normal sibling stuff), they have both done really well.

I am well aware that this is honeymoon talk.  It’s quite a common phenomenon in residential and in home visits.  A child can keep it together for weeks, even months, and then everything just falls apart.  But the real key here is not that Brenna is behaving, it’s that Ailish is behaving.  She’s taking it out on us, little manipulations here and there, but it’s livable.

So we asked for and received an extension for Brenna to stay until next Tuesday.  And then yesterday morning, I began to ponder if even two weeks is long enough.  I called Brad at home and asked if he thought I was crazy to see if we could extend it even more.  He said he had been thinking exactly the same thing.  I have no idea how long we’ll be able to extend it, and believe me, I’m just as surprised as everyone else that we’re even asking for such a thing, but the thought of being a whole family is so tantalizing.  There are things I have forgotten, when things have been different for so long (nearly three years).  Having all five members of my family in the same car, and not a rental car, my car.  Having to buy milk two days after I bought the last round.  Running errands with all three of them, except this time, I’m not going crazy - they behave in the stores, they don’t ask for anything that they don’t have the money for, they are helpful, and with cell phones, I can leave them in the make-up or toy aisle for a few minutes and grab a few things.  Sitting down to a full table, and reminding myself to make a few extra servings.  Knowing when I fall asleep at night that every single one of my children is safe and sound and sleeping peacefully, not crying, alone, in a bed 1,000 miles away.  When I hear one of them coughing, I can just get up and give them some cough syrup - I don’t have to get a nurse’s approval.

We haven’t had any of this in 32 months.  Even when Ailish came home, it wasn’t the same.  When Brenna came to visit in January, Ailish wasn’t here.  This is it, the first time.  I didn’t realize until now how badly I want it back.  How badly I want to leave the world of residential just as much as Brenna does.  I want her to be in high school here, I want her to be back in our Girl Scout troop, for real, not just in name.  I want to be able to say, “Hey, you are getting a little tall for those pants,” and take care of it that day, not wait for her to call and tell me, then I have to track the jeans down, then I have to ship them ground, so the whole process takes two weeks.  I want us to be *us* again.

But this is the part where I have to step in and ask my heart, are you seeing what’s real or what you want to see?  Are you prepared if things go downhill?  Could you stand another heart wrenching episode like the one with Ailish and Kieran?  Could Kieran stand it?  Could Brenna?  I don’t have answers to any of it.  I don’t want to be Suzy Sunshine - I don’t want to be hoodwinked.  I hate being tricked, more than anything in the world, I hate looking like a fool.  If I have a dour outlook on things, it’s impossible to be disappointed, right?  But I can taste this - I can see it so clearly, and it’s so tempting to believe that being a family again is possible.  As I’ve told Brenna many times over the last several weeks, she is 100% responsible for her decisions from here on out.  I think we’ve given her every tool we can, and what we’ve learned most about Brenna is that if she doesn’t want something, absolutely nothing is going to motivate her.  If she does want something, as long as she doesn’t sabotage herself, she can overcome any obstacle.  She had to want this badly enough, and I can see that she does.  As long as Ailish does not launch a campaign on her, well, scratch that, Ailish will launch a campaign on her.  As long as we can prepare her to ignore the campaign, to understand the bigger reason beneath it, and the even bigger reason why she needs to walk away from it, I think we can be successful.   Successful.  That’s a huge word.

Brenna and I have talked a lot about high school.  I’ve tried as best I can to explain that this is for real, this is permanent, and the choices she makes over the next four years are critical to the rest of her plan.  We even talked about community college as an alternative if things don’t turn out how she wants, because God forbid, I can see it now, first reporting period out of the gate and she has a D.  She would likely throw up her hands and say never mind.  She’s so brilliant, I know she can do it, but as she says, there’s such a fine line - she’s so bored if the class is not challenging enough, but if she’s loaded up with too much homework, it will be overwhelming and discouraging if she falls behind.  However, I think the biggest sea change in that regard is my own.  I finally realized a few weeks ago that this was not my challenge.  I used to think that we had until they were 18 to shape them, but I have come to realize more and more that though we can gently nudge them a bit, once they enter high school, it really is up to them.  You have Type A personalities who want all AP classes and straight A’s, and then you have kids who just endure the experience, squeaking by on as little work as possible.  There are several different variants in between that, but one thing I know for sure, it will do us no good to harass her about her grades - she has to want them.  I will be ever vigilant about her friends, and the choices they make, but as far as academic success goes, that has to be her decision.  There’s a certain freedom that comes with that, and hopefully it will help us keep the peace a little more, since we used to fight frequently about her homework.  The only real challenge will be getting her out of bed in the morning, but she and I also talked about the fact that she is just one of those people who needs as much sleep as possible.  Where Kieran can spring out of bed on her own after 7 or 8 hours, and Ailish struggles to wake up, but once she’s up, she’s up, Brenna truly needs 11 or 12 hours every single night or she’s just a zombie.  We are working on how we can plan for that because high school starts so darn early!  What is up with that, by the way?  I still remember 1st period Government, started at 7:15, and I would fall asleep in class every day - ugh!

So we’re still not quite sure exactly what’s going to happen.  As I wrote this, Brad texted me to say Brenna’s school called and said if she were going to do an extended stay, we’re basically asking for her to be discharged from the school.  You know what’s weird?  That’s not terrifying.  It was for a very very very long time, and it’s not.  Wow, that just hit me how huge that was.

We’ve still got a pile of paperwork to go through, and I know that to do this properly, we should send her back and let her go through the discharge process, but it seems like such a waste of time and money and heartache to do that.  Until we meet with the District, we won’t know what school she’ll be attending or what kind of program they will have available to her.  All I know is, I called the psychiatrist first to make an appointment because normally it takes 3 months to get in to see him again after being out of the loop, and they told me he had a cancellation and she could be seen July 2.  I don’t know, but that sounds like fate to me.  I’m going to take all of the positive omens I can.

Heading towards home...

Remembering that I'm alive...

All in all, there is not a good explanation for my absence in blog world.  There are explanations, just not sure they are particularly good ones.  More than anything, I find myself frustrated with my limitations, as they have been the biggest deterrent to my getting anything useful done over the last couple of weeks.  But I will backtrack...

Brad and I did finally have our weekend alone in Seattle.  We woke up in darkness on the 29th and made our way to LAX, a trip I’d made many times before, but Brad had only had to endure a few times.  We were flying on Virgin America, because when I had bought the tickets for our cruise trip from the year before, and while I could cancel the cruise, the tickets were just a credit which had to be used within a year’s time.  Since Virgin America only flies to a few select cities, Seattle was still the best choice for us, and I was eager to share a city I loved with Brad, who hadn’t been there since he was a child.  We were flying first class, which I have to say was one of the absolute highlights of the trip.  Virgin America has some cool planes anyway, with the purple lighting and cool rave music as you board, but their first class seats were simply amazing.  So much leg room that Brad, at 6’3, could stretch his legs out completely without even brushing the seat in front of him, and not only did the chairs lean back in a million different configurations, but the foot rests elevated as well.  Seriously.  Cool.  We had our own TVs, and with our fare came free everything - any movie, TV show, or music video we wanted.  I had my first Mimosa (with blood orange juice and the coolest bottles of champagne) right after take-off, and since we’d mentioned we were on vacation, Charley, our attendant, made sure my glass was never empty!  Our first course for breakfast was a bowl of exotic fruit, cut into beautiful shapes, served with a small shot glass of yogurt.  I couldn’t eat most of the fruit, because of allergies, but Brad enjoyed it, and we traded off for the yogurt.  Next came cinnamon rolls, straight out of the oven, still gooey in the middle.  Oh.  Wow.  Then we had a choice - Brad chose a breakfast brioche with eggs, prosciutto and cheese served on Kalamata olive bread, while I had a goat cheese omelet.  Our entrees came with plane shaped salt and pepper shakers. SO cute!  At this point, I didn’t want to get off the plane - I just figured if we flew around the whole weekend, I’d be happy!  But the view from the plane was beautiful - first the Sierra mountains, then the mountains of Oregon and Washington state.  Two hours later, too soon, it was time to put away our tray tables and TVs and land back in the real world.

Seattle’s airport is beautiful - so much artwork imbedded in the structure.  It’s another reason I’m such a fan of the city.  We got our bags and were on our way to the car rental.  We were hoping for a Focus or a Malibu, which is the class we had reserved (those were the two cars mentioned), and I only say this because it’s important for later :)  Instead, we got a Dodge Caliber, which has no trunk - it’s a hatchback with no cover, no security, no nothing.  And we laughed because it had California plates.  No hiding our tourist class!

Rather than go to the hotel, I wanted to get straight to the heart of the city and see Pike Place before it got crazy busy.  Brad was nervous about parking in the city lot, because out luggage was so out there for everyone to see, and I totally understood, but we didn’t have a whole lot of options.  We backed it right up to the wall, hoping that would be enough to keep people out of it, and made our way to the market.  I’m still not sure I’ve done this place justice.  Every time I go, I am so overwhelmed by the sights and the sounds - I want to just sit there for hours and people watch, take in every smell, from the fish to the flowers, the honey to the produce, the coffee to the aromas coming from the restaurants, I just want to drink it all in, but there’s just so much it’s hard to do. 

After walking around for a bit, we decided to eat at Lowell’s before the lunch crowd got too crazy.  We got a table overlooking the sound, and I was informed that Copper River Salmon was on the menu.  Copper River Salmon is such a rarity - the wild form is available for such a short window of time, and though I’ve had it at a restaurant in Los Angeles before, there is nothing that can replace the freshness of having it in Seattle (except, I suppose, having it in Alaska!)  It was expensive, but oh so incredibly worth it.  I am not a food critic - I don’t have the right words to do justice to such a masterpiece.  To say anything would put myself up there with Rachael Ray, where I would just say, “Yummo!”  But I won’t :)  Let’s just say it was a meal I will not forget!  Brad had a crab salad that he described simply as, “Wow, that’s really good,” and a cod roll which was also quite tasty.

 

After we properly stuffed ourselves, we walked a bit more around Pike Place, but I couldn’t find the glass artist whom I’d discovered on my last visit.  She had a gorgeous sculpture that I fell in love with the last time I’d seen it, but at $200, I didn’t think I could make that decision without Brad seeing it as well.  Alas, she wasn’t there anymore.  The crowd in front of my favorite jam stand and the honey stand was huge, so we moved on.  I know I can order them online, but still, not quite the same as buying them straight from the vendor, that feeling of being a part of it all.  Once we left the market, we cruised past the original Starbucks, but there was a quartet standing in front of it, drawing a crowd, so we moved on.  It was about this point where I got a call from Kieran that Ailish was hiding, wouldn’t come out, and Grammapoppa were really upset with her.  Suddenly, with me on the phone, she reappeared, and I told her very sternly that I had only asked two things - remember to take her meds (which she hadn’t that morning), and please please please try not to make too much trouble for Grammapoppa.  I was so upset with her for making this wrap around to her again.  We tried to regroup, though, to remember we were supposed to be on vacation, so to the next street we went, where we found an Irish bar.  The perfect way to forget your troubles!  Once Brad saw that the bartender knew how to do a proper Guinness pour, he knew he wanted that.  I settled for a Hefeweizen, and we sat there in the near darkness, sipping on our beers, trying to make sense of the soccer tournament on the TV, trying to forget everything we were escaping. 

With our beers finished, we headed back into the sunlight.  We walked up to the next street, and roamed for a few blocks.  I wanted to try to get to this one really tall, architecturally interesting building, but Brad said it would be too far for me.  My knees were already screaming, and the streets near the water are quite hilly.  We eventually turned around and made our way back to the car.  We decided to go to the ferries and see if we could catch a ride to one of the islands.  I didn’t care which one, I just wanted to ride the ferry.  We could have taken the car along with us, but the whole idea of trying to park it and all that just freaked me out, so we parked it in a lot and boarded the ferry, just the two of us.  I was so surprised at the deal - $13.40 for the two of us, round trip.  It has to be the cheapest and best Seattle attraction!  We only had to wait a few minutes before the ferry was ready to board.  I expected a crush of people, but at 3:00 p.m. on a Friday, it was pretty light, all things considering.  We decided to sit outside on the upper deck, and it was such a beautiful sight.  Honestly, you couldn’t have asked for better weather that weekend.  It was sunny, mild, and you could see Rainier as if it were right next to you, not two hours away.  I think that Seattle and Los Angeles have traded weather for the past few weeks - not that I’m complaining, mind you.  Our June gloom has turned into a downright depression, with temps never quite making it out of the 70’s and cloudy, foggy days.  I love these days, love that I don’t have to worry about turning the air on, *love* the power bill!  I know they will come to an end, and I will soon be sweltering, but it is nice for the moment!  Anyway, back to Seattle - we rode the 35 minute trip out to Bainbridge, and then got to watch as first the bicyclers were allowed to disembark, a flurry of wheels and colors that resembled a bike race.  Then, the motorcycles rumbled out.  Once the cars started out, the ramp was in place for us to walk off the boat.  We weren’t sure where we were headed, but we knew Bainbridge was fairly small, and couldn’t be too far of a walk to downtown.  I marveled at the houses - so much of Seattle’s homes look like my dream homes.  All the wood and the shutters and the covered porches.  It’s not Brad’s dream - he likes the 60’s modern look, much more likely to be found in Palm Springs, which is funny, since he prefers the Palm Springs weather, where I like mine straight out of Seattle.

We walked up the street for a block and found the main drag.  There was one grocery store, several restaurants and realtor offices, and a number of boutiques which I’m sure cater to the tourists.  We had to laugh as several cars cruised down the street full of teenagers.  They were yelling to each other about a party at someone’s house that night, but the best part was the hard core rap they were blaring.  Of course, my first thought was Ben Fold’s song, “Rockin’ The Suburbs.”  There’s nothing more ironic to me than sheltered teenagers “empathizing” with kids who have grown up in the most crime-ridden, poverty-stricken areas.

We stopped into a dog store, because I’m a sucker for dog stores, where we found leashes on clearance - and yes, I’m a sucker for clearance.  After that, we found the ice cream shop that people on yelp had raved about.  The shop itself was gorgeous - very hip and light and open, and there were so many flavors to choose from.  I chose blackberry, because I know Washington state is known for their berries, and I expected some good berries in there.  Brad got a mix of dark chocolate and peppermint.  Mine was positively disappointing, but Brad’s was yummy, so we shared it. :)

We walked a bit more, and then made our way back to the ferry for the trip back.  Everyone kept telling me there is nothing like coming into the city on the ferry, and they were right!  It was one of my favorite moments of the trip.  Once we disembarked, we headed to Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe, a very touristy store next to the ferries.  Brad remembers going there as a child, so we had to stop and let him get a squished penny (or two)! 

What else was there to do after that but eat some more?  Seriously, I think that’s all we did!  But this was totally worth it.  We found Chinooks, one of my favorite memories from my last trip to Seattle.  It is right on the fisherman’s wharf, with a great view of the water and boats.  I ordered alder planked halibut - truly amazing.  And they served it with green beans which were still crisp, and their wonderful potato creation - it was just an incredible meal.  Brad wasn’t as impressed with his ling cod, so I shared my halibut with him - I had to pay him back for the ice cream :)  We were trying to save room for dessert, because they have the most amazing berry cobbler, but there was no way we could fit it in!  We walked around the wharf for a bit, and then decided to finally check into our hotel, which ended up being further out than I thought it was.  I am slightly directionally challenged when it comes to maps!

Still, it was right off the freeway, super quiet, and the room was great.  Plus, there was free breakfast every morning, and it was real free breakfast :)  It was in the midst of checking in that we discovered a problem at home - Ailish’s meds had been left behind in Northern California while Brad’s parents were driving back home.  They couldn’t turn around at that point, so they were going to have to go around and get the meds from our house.  My first thought was ugh, I felt so bad that they were going to have to add an extra two hours to their already stressful trip, and secondly, UGH, they are going to be in my disaster of a house!  They called around 2:00 a.m. and I walked them through the meds she needed to be taking. 

The next day, we headed to Woodinville, which was just a few miles away, to check out the wineries there.  It was interesting, because Brad and I are very familiar with California wineries.  As a kid, his parents took him to many wineries throughout Sonoma and Napa Valleys, and he and I have visited several during our trips up there.  More recently, the Paso Robles area only a few hours from us has been another favorite stomping ground.  But we’ve never seen wineries like the ones in Woodinville.  Most of the grapes are grown in the Walla Walla area and trucked in for fermentation.  And many of the wineries were not wineries so much as tasting rooms.  It was an interesting experience.  We did find one that, though it is mostly based in Walla Walla and Northern California, did have some good wines.  We also found one of the best burgers ever, which was totally unexpected.  Teddy’s Bigger Burgers, which is a Hawaii tradition, now has a restaurant in Woodinville, the first mainland restaurant.  I had the Barbecue Bacon Cheeseburger and the spicy fries, and it was seriously the best burger I have ever had.  The barbecue sauce had just a hint of pineapple to it, just so yummy!

After the wineries, we headed back to our room for a bit, but the call of World of Warcraft was too strong for Brad, so I dragged him back out to, what else, eat some more!  This time, we headed for a Thai place recommended by Yelpers.  It was probably my least favorite meal of the trip, but that isn’t saying it was bad - it was very good, just not the same level as the others!  After that, I wanted to find a park where we could walk along the water, but we had some troubles trying to find any water that was open to the public.  Finally, we just decided to head back into the city and go to one of the landmark parks.  We were up on the hill overlooking the city, with the sun setting behind us.  There were several prom pictures being taken, which gave it an even more festive feeling.  Such a pretty night - it was perfect.  The next morning, we went to a donut shop I’d read about.  Brad is a serious fan of fried dough, so I knew he’d be happy!  These donuts were some of the best I’d ever had.  Even the cake donuts, which I normally hate, were so delicious!

After that, I wanted to go somewhere nearer to the airport, because I get worried about traffic and unexpected issues before a flight.  I am known to become, um, crabby, when I’m preparing for a flight.  I don’t know where this reputation comes from!  It’s just my worst nightmare is missing a flight.  So we drove down to a Japanese Garden I’d read about from Yelp, just five miles from the airport.  We could have gone to the museum of flight - we should have gone to the museum of flight, but I thought, with only 90 minutes, maybe we wouldn’t make it out of the museum in time.  The Garden seemed safe.  Safe - ha!  We pull into the parking lot, and there are literally SIX signs stating that this is a high car prowl area, do not leave any valuables in the car, do not leave any radios in the car, it only takes 30 seconds for someone to break your window and steal your things!  Remember that we had a car with no trunk?  No protection at all?  A person could look in and see two suitcases, two laptop bags, a camera bag?  Yeah...this was not going to work out so well.  We parked as close to the entrance as possible, but we only made it in for about five minutes before I lost my nerve and said we should head back to the car.  They were *beautiful* gardens, I just wish I’d been warned about the security situation, because the “relaxing” part of the garden is not possible when you’re constantly worried all of your possessions will be taken!

Our last task before turning our car in was getting gas.  I wanted to get the best deal, but some of the car rental places were not in the airport, so it seemed like every time we got far enough away from one, we’d run into another one, and the gas prices around it would skyrocket accordingly.  Just as we were about to give up, I spotted a Safeway gas station.  This is very exciting for me, because we don’t have gas stations attached to our stores.  Every month, I earn gas rewards, and every month I’m not able to use these rewards because there aren’t any near us!  So here we were, we’d finally found a station with decent prices, and I had rewards of .50 per gallon!  So stupid, I know, especially because we only needed 9 gallons, but hey, that means I saved 4.50!  And actually, compared to the other prices, I saved more like 7.00 :)

Once we boarded our rave airline again, I was sad to leave Seattle, and I felt like I only got to see about a quarter of what I really wanted to experience, but I was happy we had come.  On the way home, we were served lunch, which was maple roasted chicken, sweet potatoes and broccolini.  I watched Marley and Me and cried like a baby, and then discovered the Dodgers were playing on ESPN.  It was a great flight home!

Once back in our car, we headed straight for home, to pick up the dogs (they’d been watched by Aly and Sandy) and drive up to Ventura to get the girls.  It was a late night, but we had to get to bed so Ailish could get to school the next morning.

I don’t know if it was the travel, or just my time, but my body began protesting loudly starting that Monday.  The exhaustion set in, making it very difficult for me to get up and moving.  The body aches were there in full effect.  But I just didn’t have time to succumb - there was so much to be done.  I gave in and started taking the steroids, as much as I didn’t want to.  I just had to keep moving.

I had Kieran’s last Brownie meeting, my Service Unit’s last Team meeting, the last Leader meeting for my Service Unit, plus all of the activities for Ailish’s class, a yard sale I’d been planning with Sandy for months, *and* Brenna’s arrival!  There was just no way I would be spending any time in bed.  Somehow, I limped through these things, taking my meds, hating having to take them but knowing it was the only way I could do it.  I got through all of it - loved the gift my leaders gave me, a basket full of tissues because they know I cannot make it through an awards ceremony or recruitment night without crying, plus a bunch of gift cards, which was so thoughtful and unexpected.  The next day after the leader meeting, Brenna arrived.  Brad and Kieran drove down in one car while I followed with the other.  Brad had to go to work afterwards, but he wanted to be there to see her once she got off the plane.  It’s nice since she was unaccompanied that we were able to go to the gate and greet her.  I know why we can’t do that anymore, but I miss those days of gate greetings!  She flew in on a plane dedicated to the State of Nevada, which was pretty cool :)  She said she had a good flight, and was very happy to see us, but most especially she wanted to get home and see her dogs!  She looked a lot healthier - she’s still pale, still has the dark circles under her eyes, but she has more meat on her bones.  She’s making an effort to eat, which is good.  Behaviorally speaking, I’m trying to figure it all out.  I can tell she’s on her best behavior, but she has this voice, it’s small and sweet and completely unlike her normal voice.  I know this is probably not right but I call it the serial killer voice, because it sounds to me the way it would sound if she were standing over me with a knife in her hand.  I know, that’s awful, right?  Terrible terrible terrible, but I can’t get the visual out of my head whenever she uses that voice.  I remind her every time she uses it to stop.  It reminds me a lot of the voice Ailish used when she came on home passes from her placement in San Francisco.  She faked her way through months, so I know it’s possible for Brenna to do the same thing.  And while of course I want everything to go well and everyone to get along, I also don’t want to play the game and have it all be a facade.  But, on the bright side, aside from some relatively minor issues, things have gone well.  We have learned that Brenna really needs 12 hours of sleep to act like a reasonable person, and I’m wondering if that’s part of the problem at school.  She had a late night with Grammapoppa Saturday, and then had to be up for Kieran’s swim meet on Sunday morning.  She was no fun to be around yesterday...no fun at all.  She went to bed on her own at 8:00 last night, and here she is, a shiny happy person again! :)

Ailish has done her part to avoid Brenna, which is all we asked for.  I would love to have them be the best of friends, but all we can hope for right now is civil behavior.  Ailish has definitely had her moments, but she hasn’t provoked, and that is the biggest hurdle.  Of course, it helped that last week was Ailish’s week - every day was a different kind of party at school, culminating in graduation Friday morning.  She looked wonderful, and I was really happy that not only was she able to come full circle and graduate with her class, but that the whole family was able to be there to be a part of it.  Grammapoppa came along as well, and we sat with Sandy and her family - well, they sat.  I stood on the side and took pics :)  After the ceremony and the really cool cake we had, we headed out for breakfast which turned into lunch because we forgot that every 6th grader in the district was graduating. 

On Friday, I took Ailish to school to pick up her paperwork and say goodbye to her teacher and aides.  I didn’t expect it to be emotional, especially after the year we’ve had with Kieran’s situation, but it was really tough.  After seven years there, our family would no longer be a part of the school, and though they’d only been a part of her life for a matter of months, Ailish’s team was quite attached to her, and she to them.  I took a few last pics, and off we went.  I just hope her Jr. High team is as supportive of her as they were.  They were a wonderful group!

Once Ailish was done, I had to check in with Kieran’s home school supervisor and turn in all of her work for the past five weeks.  Then, I spent much of Friday afternoon getting Kieran ready for Jr. Lifeguards.  We went to Target and loaded up on a new thermal lunch container, sunblock, water bottle, plus tasty snacks to keep her going through the day.  Friday night, as soon as we were done with swim practice, we had to get to the parent orientation.  Suffice to say, it was just another busy day.

Saturday morning, Kieran’s swim meet.  We left Brenna here to be picked up by Grammapoppa later in the morning, but Ailish had to come along.  Ailish has become quite a good sport about the whole thing.  She is learning how to use video editing software, so she likes taking video of Kieran’s races, and she is a really good timer with Brad.  Kieran had another weird day - I wish meets could be three days, or at least maybe the first day only have one race, because she reminds me of those pitchers I can’t bare to watch for the first two innings.  They are shaky, they throw more balls than strikes, and the strikes they throw have a penchant for turning into doubles or triples or worse.  If they make it through the first two innings, then they settle down and throw no hit innings for the rest of the game, but it’s the first two that can really do you in if you are too far off your game.  That’s Kieran - that first day is always a crap shoot.  She wanted to get her blue times, and she has three races where blue is less than 5 seconds away.  We plotted it out, talked about it, did everything we could to prepare without overanalyzing, but that first day, she was swimming like it was a walk in the park, very lackadaisical.  She added time to every race.  By the last race, I told her she really needed to get it together and at the very least be out of breath by the end.  It was 100 back, very tough on a 9 year old, and she had been disqualified several races ago for adding a stroke to her flip turn, but I knew she could do this if she didn’t overthink it.  She had a great race - won her heat, yet still she added .3 seconds to her time.  I know, it’s nothing really, I just wanted her to be able to improve on one race.

After the meet on Saturday, we went to pick up Kieran’s gear for Jr. Lifeguards.  It’s all very official!  The shorts are ridiculously huge, but still everything else is so cute, and all with her name on it.  I hope she really enjoys it - I think it’s going to be a great program for her.

Sunday, we experimented, letting Ailish stay home because we were relatively close to home.  Having Brenna and Ailish together at the meet didn’t sound like such a great idea, and Ailish had done her time, so we decided to let Miss A sleep in and just bring Brenna along.  As I said before, tired Brenna is not a good Brenna.  She slept for another hour while Kieran warmed up, and then grudgingly headed over for her timing shift with Daddy.  He says he wished he’d had some berries or something to toss in to Brenna’s mouth as she sat slack-jawed with the timing pickle in her hand.  I figure if we can convert Ailish into thinking timing is exciting, Brenna not being the least interested has more to do with her than the sport itself, because it is quite exciting.  As for Kieran, she really did try hard yesterday, but better times eluded her.  This was the first meet ever where she didn’t improve on a single race.  She won two heats, got two 2nd place ribbons, one 3rd and a 7th, but she never beat herself.  I know these things happen sometimes, and there doesn’t seem to be a real rhyme or reason.  Lots of kids we knew were adding time left and right, but Kieran’s friend took 6 seconds off one race and 4 off another, so it was hard to convince her it was the pool.  It just wasn’t her weekend - shake it off, get ready for the next one, right?  That’s all you can do.

On the way home, Kieran decided she wanted Macaroni Grill, so we asked Brenna, who looked like she was sleeping with her eyes open, if she wanted to go home and nap while we ate.  She said no, she wanted to come, so we stopped at home and picked up Ailish, giving Brenna one more chance to beg off.  Again, she said no.  So off we went to Macaroni Grill.  Things started off okay, but Brenna wouldn’t pick an entree, and after three tries by the server to take our order, I asked her what was going on.  She wouldn’t say anything, so I asked if it was because she had a kid menu.  Yes.  Well, geez, that would have been easy to solve!  After studying the adult menu, she said she wanted ravioli, for 12.99.  I pointed out that the kid ravioli was the exact same, for 5.29.  She said no, she was hungry.  I said fine, but if she didn’t eat it all, she would owe me 8.00.  At that point, things were getting out of hand, so Brad just took her home.  The waitress came back and I asked, just to be sure, was there a difference between the kid ravioli and the adult ravioli, other than size?  No.  So I ordered her two orders of the kid ravioli, to go, and had to order Brad’s meal to go as well.  Ailish and Kieran were sad that Brad couldn’t be with them, and I was irritated that Brenna couldn’t just listen to us and know that it wasn’t a bad thing for her to just go home and nap.  It’s hard for me to separate what is Brenna being 13, Brenna being exhausted, and Brenna just being Brenna.  Ugh.  Still, we ate our lunch and then Brad came and picked us up.  Brenna was asleep, out cold within five minutes of Brad taking her home.  She was a much nicer person once she woke up, but still, she only ate two ravioli.  She paid me for the difference today.

This morning, no summer time sleeping in for me, Kieran has to be at Jr. Lifeguards at 8, so we were both up at 6:00.  She looked so small compared to the other kids - 9 is the minimum age, and it goes up to 17!  They split them into groups at some point, but standing next to the teenagers, it was another wistful moment for me.  Gee, I wonder why I got tissues for a present?

We are hoping today to change Brenna’s return date to next Tuesday instead of tomorrow.  The real issue is the meds, and we’re trying to get that worked out.  Things are going well, and that’s a good thing, but we want to see how things go with a little more time together.  I’ve been through this before, been through the dream visits, I want to see if we can throw a little more reality in there.  And, it will be so nice for Brad if he can have Father’s Day with all three girls.

As for me - emotionally, I’m okay with all three of them being here.  The hardest part is the physical aspect right now.  I’m so exhausted, and then with the pain, it’s hard to even be touched much less hugged.  It’s hard for the girls to understand just how sensitive I am, but I try to explain imagine if they were sunburned all over - that’s how it feels to some degree.  I want to be ready for anything with them, I want to be able to snuggle while we watch TV, I want to be able to enjoy it all, but it’s just really difficult right now.

I have more pics to share, which I will, and soon, but it has taken me nearly 4 hours to get this far, I have to pick up Kieran soon, and I'm afraid if I wait, it will take another week to finish!

Still, as with everything, we take it day by day and hope that tomorrow is a little bit easier.

Remembering one of my loves...

Me and photography, what a complicated relationship we've had.  It goes all the way back to my childhood, when I first fell in love with taking pictures on my 110.  I wasn't interested in people, I was interested in nature - I wanted to take pics of flowers and clouds and bugs and interesting pieces of wood.  I didn't quite understand the limited nature of my 110, how it wouldn't focus if I were closer than 3 feet, how clouds don't really look that great from that far away, how the lighting had to be just right.  So after paying for the film developing, my mom, ever the practical soul, would get really irritated that we wasted money on blurry, dark, or seemingly wasted pictures.  I gave up on the whole idea for a long time.  It wasn't really until after I had the girls that I started to get interested in it again.  I am somewhat irritated with myself that I never thought to take photos while I lived in Berkeley, or when I first moved to L.A., or even during my last year of high school in Las Vegas.  It just wasn't something I thought about at all.  Nowadays, everyone has a camera at the ready, whether it's a cell phone or a digital point and shoot - even if those photos aren't necessarily "art," they are capturing something important.

I had a love affair with photography for years.  Every day, I took pictures of something - whether it was the girls, flowers, leaves, ants on the grass, the sky, objects around the house - I was always taking pictures.  When it was just me and my Rebel, I anxiously awaited the photos to be developed.  I'd nearly crash the car on the way home as I anxiously looked through the stack of photos.  There was always at least one that made me so happy - those gaspworthy photos you want to blow up big or scrap immediately.  It took me awhile to get convinced, but once I switched over to digital, I had immediate gratification.  Loved processing my own photos, loved knowing what did and didn't work immediately, so that I could go back and retake the shot.  And as the years have gone by, I have learned to love the imperfect photos - maybe they are a little blurry, or a little dark, but they still capture something, whether it's movement or mood.

Once I made my passion into a business, things got muddied.  I'd always heard if you are doing what you love, it doesn't feel like work.  But it did, it really did.  For the longest time, it was such an anxiety-ridden process.  Every photo had to be perfection.  No hot spots, no blurry spots, no flash shadows, not a single person even slightly out of focus.  I was the worst boss I ever had.  When each photo had to be perfect, and during the busy season I was processing every day for hours at a time, I lost my love for it.  It got to the point where I didn't take any photos of the girls unless we had an event.  All of the day to day photos were gone.  Even if I did manage to get photos taken, processing them became a chore, and the sheer volume of pictures on my computer was slowing it down, and making me feel weighed down.  Gradually, I began drowning in something I once loved.  I archived photos to discs, backed them up onto external drives, stored the hard copies away in albums (and while storing them, I found so many that I love and want to scrap...if only I could find the time to scrap again!).  But the love was definitely gone.  I stopped marketing, and the downturn of the economy definitely "helped" to slow my business to a trickle.  I miss the extra money, but the pressure of perfection was weighing me down.

Recently, with my friend Ellen asking if I could take a few pictures at her husband's birthday party, and then with my brother Charles' wedding, I had two jobs in one month.  Now granted, these are people I love, and people who love me, so it wasn't quite the same kind of pressure, but I wanted to do right by them, so there was definitely still pressure.  Plus, there's that whole event thing - if I screwed up, there was no way to go back and fix it.  Talk about anxiety!  But still, I wanted to do it for them.  So, first up, Steve's party.  Ellen made me promise I wouldn't be taking pictures all night - she wanted me to be a guest as well, so I had a very limited amount of time to take pictures.  I wanted to focus on friends, but I also wanted to focus on the little details that Ellen had worked so hard to make happen.

Those cupcakes are from SugarMama's, BTW, and they are divine!

It was such a great night - I felt honored to be there to capture it.

Then on to my brother's wedding - no pressure there!  Thankfully I had lots of time to process these, because I ended up in the ER on Monday morning, making sure I didn't have another DVT.  I don't, but I have to go have my muscle enzymes checked today, whatever that means!  It was nice because my gurney was right next to an outlet, so seriously, the four hours in the ER just flew by - it was like being at Starbucks, with less coffee and more blood and vomit.  The nurses enjoyed watching the photos as I processed them, and I even gave one a tutorial on Photoshop Elements!  Here are a few of my favorites:

Sorry, I don't know why this is underlined, it won't turn off!  I'm positive that there are better photographers out there, but it was fun to stretch my wings a bit, and hopefully everyone will be happy with what I captured!  And now that I've gotten my photographic sea legs again, I can't wait to get to Seattle!

No news is not bad news!

May 21

I wish I had some really spectacular reason for waiting this long to write, but honestly, it has just been the minutiae of life that has bogged us down.  That in and of itself has been a good thing - no crises at home, no major incidents.  The girls are settling in, it seems, and we’re down to the regular sibling stuff.  Sometimes I wonder if I over react, if I’m just unable to cope with sibling rivalry, but then I get a glimpse of what sibling rivalry actually looks like, and I know for sure that there is a difference.  Rivalry might be annoying at times, but it’s something I can live with.

One thing that does irritate me a bit is the whole food issue.  Every Sunday we sit down for our family meeting and try to plan for the week ahead.  We talk about the events ahead, pull chores at random, and plan the menu for the week.  Ailish has complained repeatedly that I make the same things over and over again, why do we have to have Italian every week, why does baked chicken keep showing up, etc etc?  I find it so strange that after two years of institutional food, she is the one complaining about the food.  You’d think she’d just be grateful for home cooking, but nope, no such luck.  I tried to explain that I make those things because 1) I know people will eat them and 2) I know how to make them without having to find a recipe.  For the most part, all of the recipes in my rotation are pretty fast to prepare as well.  I would love to add new recipes to the mix.  I subscribe to four different cooking magazines, and I diligently look through the recipes in Family Circle, Family Fun, and Real Simple, not to mention, if I’m bored and have internet access, I peruse all of the food sites I can for new ideas.  However, I am held back by the fact that this is a house full of picky eaters.  Between us, we knock out every single vegetable except for cauliflower, spinach and corn - carrots, mushrooms and onions are allowed by 3/4 of the house, so we use those sparingly.  Brad hates pork, Kieran hates pot roast, and Ailish doesn’t like any meat that has a sweet sauce.  Or as she said, “Sweet meat,” which for whatever reason, makes me giggle.  And she hates Mexican food, which also knocks out so many easier foods.  When you factor all that in, we are a tough crowd to serve.  Italian works because I can do so much with it, but now that’s out too.  At this point, you might ask why I bother to cater to such picky tastes?  Because nothing makes me more irritated than spending time and money making dinner only to have the girls pick at it, add sour cream/soy sauce/tons of cheese/ketchup to it, which ruins it for anyone else eating it, and then push it aside with only one bite eaten.  I’ve tried to make things that fit all of the expectations, but after another frustrating family meeting, I decided to take the week off.  I bought easy stuff - hot dogs, sloppy joe sauce, yakisoba noodles, and, shudder, tuna helper.  I knew I wouldn’t eat any of those things, but if it made the girls happy, and they ate it, then I could make myself something yummy on the side.  For the past two weeks, we’ve been sticking to this.  I was hoping after a week, Ailish would relent and ask for one of my old standards, but she’s still enjoying the junk.  I’ve decided not to worry about it until after school gets out.  Things are just too stressful between now and the last day of school, so until then, the meals in a box make my life easier.

We have had a few illnesses to contend with.  Kieran had the 24 hour fever, which thankfully had no other symptoms.  It’s always a little scary when a fever pops up - it’s kind of like an earthquake.  You don’t know if that’s it, if it was just a little jolt, or if it’s the sign of something much bigger and scarier to come.  With fevers, I don’t know if there’s nose/chest stuff or, dear God, stomach stuff coming, so those first few hours are a little scary.  It makes me want to run to the nearest doorway and hold on tight.  But, after that day of fever, she was fine the next.  Whew!  A week passed, and then Ailish got her own fever, which scared her even more than it did me.  We reminded her that Kieran had a fever, and nothing else had happened, so it would probably be the same way for her.  She did have some nose/cough stuff, and her fever lasted two days instead of one, but thankfully, there was nothing with the stomach.

On the other medical front, I met with my new primary this week.  She seemed nice enough, and in the (very) limited time I had to meet with her, because she was running behind, she did seem to get a sense of my situation.  At least enough of a sense to say, “Wow, you’ve made my job really difficult.”  I was happy that she admitted it - rarely will doctors actually say I have them stumped, they just tell me it’s in my head.  She said she is thinking this is gastrointestinal related, so we’re going to try a few meds and see if those help at all.  If they don’t, then I have to get a referral to a GI specialist and go through the dreaded colonoscopy.  If that doesn’t yield anything, she told me I may just have a chronic pain spot, and I’m going to have to learn how to deal with it from a pain management perspective.  This is not what I wanted to hear, but I suppose the reality isn’t a surprise.  I still don’t understand how the labs can show that there is an issue there, but the rest of the tests don’t.  Seriously, Mystery Diagnosis, where can I sign up?  Oh wait, they have to have a diagnosis figured out first...hmmm.

Tuesday, I had to tackle the issue of getting a dress for my brother’s wedding this weekend.  I know, why did I wait until the last possible second?  I hate dress shopping!  Plus, I had planned to do it on Monday, but that was Ailish’s sick day.  First, Kieran and I went to the mall, but after four stores, I found nothing.  By that point, we had run out of time before picking Ailish up from school, so we went and grabbed her, then headed to Marshalls and Stein Mart.  Nope, nothing.  I was getting very discouraged.  Sandy offered to go with me to the mall in Northridge after Kieran’s swim was over.  Ailish and I dropped Kieran off at swim and then ran to Ross while she practiced.  Nothing.  Ugh.  So after Kieran’s practice, we picked Sandy up and headed down into the Valley.  The Macy’s there had a comparatively *huge* selection of plus sized dresses.  I get so frustrated with our Macy’s, it seems like the plus sized department just gets smaller and smaller, and believe me, I don’t see our town demographics getting smaller and smaller!  After trying on several possibilities, I had it narrowed down to 4.  Two were $89, one was $139 (absolutely gorgeous, but it felt heavy too, and my brother’s wedding is in Vegas), and one super cute dress was $51, down from $119.  Yes!  I had a $20 off $50 coupon, so with tax and everything, it worked out to $35.  Usually, when I’m shopping under pressure, that’s when I am forced to spend way more money than I like to, but this time, it all worked out perfectly.  Sandy says she’s my good luck charm - I have to agree!

Yesterday, the stars aligned and we were finally able to go to Disneyland.  The original plan was to go on Kieran’s birthday, but that just didn’t work out, and every open day we had since then has been filled by a crisis of one form or another, so I told the girls don’t even think about it until the morning we wake up to go.  Of course, the night before, they couldn’t do that - as soon as Daddy gave them the all clear, they were busy packing and planning.  Yesterday morning, I woke up to go to the bathroom at 6:30, and as I crawled back into bed, Kieran appeared, fully dressed, backpack on, with her hands on her hips.  “Finally!  I’ve been waiting for you people to get up!”  So we did, we crawled out and got ready as quickly as we could.  I wasn’t feeling my best, and didn’t know if I was up for a day of crowds.  I knew the scooter would help, but still, compared to everyone else, I was feeling very Scrooge McDuck-like.  Traffic wasn’t too bad, and we got down to the park pretty quickly.  We got our annual passes, got the scooter, and got the line pass for Ailish, and we were on our way.  Oh wait - quick stop at the big store on Main Street to get a hat for me.  I knew if I wasn’t covered up, no amount of sunscreen would save me.  I got the perfect one - emblazoned with “Grumpy,” of course!  Our first stop was the Nemo submarine, which we’d never been on.  It was cute, but wow, I’m glad I didn’t have to wait hours to see it.  We spent the next few hours in Disneyland, tackling all of the big coasters.  I realized just how painful Matterhorn is to ride these days, and Brad and I both agreed we might be too creaky for Splash Mountain too!  We decided to head over to California Adventure, since they close earlier than D-Land.  Our first stop was California Screamin’, which I’ve decided is my all time favorite coaster.  Really smooth, but great turns and speed.  Love that ride!  We also got to ride the new Midway one, featuring all of the Toy Story characters.  We really liked it, but as we came out into the Toy Story gift shop, one thing made me cry.  A whole section devoted to Jessie, the yodeling cowgirl.  Jessie was Brenna’s girl for a good three years of her childhood.  She did everything with Jessie, made her a separate bed, took her everywhere, loved her to bits.  I think it was in the back of all of our minds a little bit yesterday, that Brenna wasn’t with us, and seeing Jessie just brought it all up front.  They had a t-shirt there and Brad and I both had the same thought - we had to get it for B.  How I miss those days when a hug from Jessie would make things all better.  It’s funny to me that Kieran has no memory of Toy Story or Toy Story II.  For her, it would be like a whole new movie, but it was such a huge part of our lives for a long time.  Now, ironically, I’m not sure where Jessie is.  I know we kept her, I’m just not exactly sure where :)  Eventually, we went back to Disneyland, then had dinner at Downtown Disney, and went back to D-Land for a few more rides before the park shut down.  It was an exhausting day, but I have to admit I did end up having a good time, and I’m glad we were finally able to pull it off before the big drought of summer - I refuse to go near a theme park during the summer!

May 23

Greetings from Las Vegas!  Ailish and I are here for my brother’s wedding.  We got on the road around 4:30 yesterday morning, a little later than I had intended, but we had to finish Ailish’s science fair project the night before, and by the time we got done with that, I was way behind on my packing and preparing.  Still, we got ahead of the crowd, and that was the most important part for me.  We got to Vegas around 9:30, and went straight to the site of my brother’s wedding.  We had planned to help set things up, but we had to run to Wal-Mart to get a few more supplies for the big day.  My sister Pam had a huge party last night for our family and his bride’s family.  It was quite a barbecue she and my cousin Scott put together!  Poor Ailish, after waking up at 4:00, even though she got to doze during the drive, she was exhausted by 7:00 and fell asleep on the chaise lounge outside.  It was such a nice night - we are in the perfect time in Vegas where the temperature still cools down at night.  During the summer, it is still in the 80’s and 90’s hours after the sun goes down, but during the late Spring, it cools down to the 70’s, so nice.  We even had a beautiful lightning show, which is something I never get to see! 

I’ve spent this morning watching Kieran’s meet on a live web feed.  I’m so bummed I can’t be there, but it’s cool to be able to watch things as they happen.  So far, she’s only had one race (out of two) today, and she added a few seconds, which isn’t good, but at least she wasn’t too upset about it.  Hopefully her next race, starting in just a few minutes, will be a good one.  She has four races tomorrow, so that will be a busy day for her and Brad.  As soon as this second race is over, Ailish and I will head out to pick up a cigar for the wedding, in honor of my dad, (my sister got white roses in honor of my mom) and then we’ll go to my sister’s house to get ready.  I’m taking the pictures for this event - I shy away from wedding photography because the pressure and the intense emotions of the day is a lot to take on, but I’m hoping I can do my best for my brother and sister-in-law.  It will be a very busy day, that’s for sure!

We’ll be back on the road early Monday morning, and then we have quite a week ahead!  Thursday, I’ll take the girls up to Ventura to stay with Grammapoppa, because early Friday morning, Brad and I will be flying up to Seattle for a long weekend.  This will be our first vacation for just the two of us since we became parents!  I’m really looking forward to our getaway - it seems like it’s been such a long time since we did anything that wasn’t directly related to kids.  Let’s just hope we find some portion of conversation that doesn’t revolve around them!

Hopefully, I’ll be able to update sooner next time, and I’ll have some great pics of Seattle to share!

Busy busy bees

Wow, sometimes I think it’s only been a few days since I last updated, and then I realize that it’s been more than a week.  Hard to believe!  Backtracking once again...

Friday was Ailish’s Greek Day, so we had a lot to do in preparation for that.  Thursday night, I attempted to dye her hair to match the bright red Ariel fall we had.  It had shells sewn into it, so we wanted it to help with the whole, “rising from the sea,” aspect.  I didn’t want to dye her hair with a permanent solution, because I wanted her hair to look normal by the time her graduation rolled around next month.  I searched in three different stores and finally ended up at a beauty supply store, where I found the perfect rinse.  Thursday night, after all of our other busy-ness, I got down to business and applied the solution to her hair.  The bottle warned not to get it on her scalp or hairline, and I wondered how I was supposed to do that.  I applied it as gingerly as I could, but I could tell that some parts were touching her skin.  My hands were covered in the solution, which honestly resembled movie blood.  I looked more like a surgeon than a hair stylist.  The instructions said to leave it on for 10-20 minutes, and since I didn’t want it to last any longer than a few days, I decided to err on the side of caution, and go for the 10 minutes. 
 

I rinsed the solution out while Ailish squealed in nervous anticipation.  The water was so red, she was scared.  Admittedly, I was too!  We used an old towel to dry off her hair, then blow dried it.  To both of our chagrin, the only things that seemed to take on the dye were her scalp and my hands.  Her hair looked exactly the same.  Her scalp was orange-y red, which would have maybe been fine except that only portions of her scalp were this wonderful color.  I told her to get back in the shower and scrub her scalp as much as she could.  After 30 minutes she emerged, her scalp just as red, if not redder now due to the vigorous scrub she gave it.  My hands were much the same - nothing was going to erase the color except time.  Thankfully, Ailish was zen about it.  I promised she would still look good, and she shrugged her shoulders and went with it.  I really appreciated her willingness to accept it, because that could have gotten really ugly.  Next up was the toga-tying.  Though there are plenty of videos on YouTube about proper toga fitting, I still couldn’t quite make it work on Ailish.  We found a way to make it work, so she was ready to go the next day.  She was quite proud of how it all came together, and I must say, so was I.  I thought she looked really beautiful. 

I got to the school that afternoon in time to help her set up for their wax museum.  She had a vision of how it would go, and she really made that vision come together.  In order to complete her seascape, she had brought together pillows, blue fabric and blue tulle, along with borrowing some of Kieran’s shell collection.  She had a flower in one hand and a dove in the other, just like Aphrodite’s pictures. 

She was a big hit with the kids - they would all gather around and hear her tell her story.  The only downside was that she was really nauseated, and I couldn’t tell if that was due to the new medication she was taking or if it was just anxiety.  She didn’t want to eat lunch, which I think may have made things worse.  Still, she made it through the hourlong presentation, and then they were off to make a Greek craft while I picked up Kieran.

It was another warm day, so instead of sweltering in the car, I grabbed a blanket from the back and laid it out under a tree so Kieran and I could relax.  It’s always been amazing to me how close the school is to a major street, and yet, when we sit on the paseos running next to the school, we can hear the sounds of several varieties of birds chirping as we sit underneath beautiful tall trees.  In every season, I’ve always loved that spot, and it’s one thing I’m really going to miss next year when we’re no longer a part of the school family.  So Kieran and I chatted a bit - I asked her how her day was, and at first she was telling me a story about something they’d done in class, but then all of a sudden, she just started crying.  I asked what was wrong, and she explained that there was a group of boys who had been making her life miserable.  I asked how long, she answered awhile.  I was trying to quantify awhile, and finally determined it had been since February.  I could say I’m shocked that she didn’t tell me sooner, but I’m not.  She has always taken the role of wanting to take care of things on her own, not wanting to bother me.  No matter how much I encourage her to talk to me, she hangs onto things by herself for so long, I don’t hear about it until it’s reached a crisis point.  It was time to get Ailish, and she was still upset, so I told her we’d talk about it later - I needed to think about what to do.  My heart was hurting for her - we only had 5 weeks left in the school year.  As much as it made sense to just stick it out, I also knew that kind of pain of being a leper in the classroom, and I didn’t want her to endure it for any longer than she absolutely had to.  I knew that STAR testing was coming up, and once that was over, there was very little in the way of actual learning that would be done.  But we had to get Ailish, and we had to get ready for swim, so the issue was tabled for the moment.

Saturday morning, we woke dark and early for Kieran’s swim meet.  I was not feeling well at all, but I’d started on antibiotics the day before, and I was determined to get through the day.  I was bummed that I wasn’t going to be at the meet for both days, so I hoped we had a good day together, the four of us.  Brad and Ailish signed up to time together, which really helped take the pressure off.  Kieran had a great 50m Butterfly race, taking 11 seconds off her time.  She was happy to win her heat. 

She had two other races, and then we were done around noon.  She wanted pizza, so we headed to the pizza parlor.  By that point, I was feeling just awful, so I did my best to stay upright until lunch was over.  Once we got home, I climbed into bed, not to be heard from again until the next morning.  I woke to help them get ready and then sent them on their way.  The antibiotics had finally kicked in, so I was feeling better.  Still, I was sad to send them off without me.

I got ready for my Girl Scout Volunteer Tea, and then met up with five other leaders to drive down to Long Beach, about 65 miles from us.  We were having tea on the Queen Mary, which I’d never been to before.  I kept waiting for updates on Kieran’s races.  She did well on her breast, had a goggle issue with free which was the same issue she’d had the day before, and then added a second to her 100 back.  Still, she had a good day.  They were headed to Grammapoppa’s to spend the rest of the day with them.  I was happy to see my fellow leaders receive awards, and surprised when I received one myself.  I knew I was getting an award for our Service Unit, but the personal award was a total surprise!  After the luncheon, we walked around the Queen Mary for a bit, and then decided the party should not stop just yet.  We headed to PF Chang’s for dinner, and really had such a great time.  It’s so rare that we get the chance to be together without time constraints or girls who need something - it was just really nice to catch up and enjoy the day.

I didn’t get home from our outing until after 9:30, but there was Kieran, waiting up for me.  I gave her a hug, and thought she just wanted good night kisses, but then she stood there for a moment looking sad.  “What’s up?”  “Please please please don’t make me go back to school tomorrow.”  I had no idea it was still weighing so heavily on her.  I told her we would go and talk to the teacher and the principal the next day and sort all this out.  I went to bed that night with a heavy heart.

The next morning, I walked her in and talked to the teacher.  She said she had no idea this was going on, but she would talk to the boys involved as soon as possible.  I then met with the principal and explained that we were leaning towards pulling her because this had gone on for months without anyone realizing or controlling it.  She said she didn’t understand why Kieran hadn’t spoken up for months, but I got it - she didn’t want to bother anyone, she thought she could handle it on her own.  She didn’t want to bother anyone.  I left the school after our brief meeting because I had to be home for therapy with Brenna at 9:00.  The session went as well as possible, considering Ailish said some really hurtful things to Brenna during their session on Friday.  It cheered Brenna up immensely that she is coming home for a visit the second week of June.  She is flying alone for the first time, which is scary, but it was the only way we could feasibly do it, considering Brad’s schedule and the economics of the whole thing.  When I fly out to pick her up, I’m adding at least $500 to the tab, with my flights, car rental, food, and hotel if I have to stay over.  She’s now old enough to fly on Southwest alone, so I’m hoping it goes well.  Half of the time she’ll be here, school will be in session still, and she’ll be here for Ailish’s graduation.  I know Ailish isn’t thrilled about that, but it’s nice for me to think that the whole family will be together for an occasion.  She’ll have to come with me to the swim practices, she’ll have to do chores, she’ll have to do all the regular stuff.  Hopefully it will go well.

I had a ton of errands to run on Monday, and then I had to start the afternoon craziness with pick ups at the school.  I asked Kieran how her day went, and she said as soon as her teacher talked to the boys involved, at the very next recess, one of the boys brought two new people into it, two girls, to yell at Kieran for telling on the boy.  That was the last straw.  Once I picked up Ailish and came home, I emailed her teacher and the principal and said we were done.  STAR testing is next week, and I was willing to let her go in to do the testing so they could get her scores, but we were done after that.  I kept her home for the rest of the week.  It’s amazing how quickly her mood changed.  She worked on a class biography project (on Jackie Robinson...she knows how to charm her mommy!) all week.  On Tuesday, she wrote the biography.  On Wednesday, she wrote her note cards for her speech.  And on Thursday, she did her favorite part - making a paper bag puppet in Jackie’s image.  She was quiet and helpful.  I am now in an ongoing argument with the school that since STAR testing ends next week, and nothing new is learned after STAR testing, I don’t understand why we have to go through the rigors of signing up for Home Study and working for maybe a week at best.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  It makes me sad that she went for two months in the fall being bullied, and then 2.5 more months of it this spring.  I thank swimming even more for giving her a safe place to excel.

In the midst of the day, I learned there was a new troop that was forming to help incoming 7th and 8th grade girls who were Juliettes complete their Pathways to earn their Silver Award and beyond.  Since Ailish decided her old troop was a little too active for her, we haven’t been able to participate in anything, so it was a great opportunity for Ailish.  Then I discovered they were meeting Monday night, and wouldn’t meet again for a month, so I made a mad dash to get all the forms prepared, and then figure out how we would make all this happen in one day.  Kieran had to be dropped off for swim at 5:00, then we had to run to the store to get a Jamba card for Ailish, since they were going to meet at Jamba.  Kieran skipped dry land workout so we could leave swim at 6:00 in order to drop Ailish off at her meeting at 6:30.  I got her settled, and we raced home to clean up before leaders arrived for Team meeting.  The girls really like when we have the leaders here, because they make a menu up and get to be waiters and serve tea and soda to them.  Sandy was nice enough to pick Ailish up at 7:30 and drop her off at home.  She said she really enjoyed the meeting, which was good.  I’m so glad she’s getting back into it - I know she needs that structure of a regular troop meeting.

Tuesday was not shaping up to be nearly as busy, but it did have its own excitement.  I learned after calling the junior high to find out when Choir try-outs would be held that Ailish was not enrolled in the school, so I had to race down there to make sure she was properly a member of the school.  Then, as I was driving up to pick Ailish up from school, I turned into the neighborhood in time to see a young teenaged boy laying in the street, obviously in a great deal of pain.  I, and three other cars, pulled over to see if we could help.  He was not wearing his helmet - in fact, it was dangling from the handlebar and actually caused the accident as it got caught between the bar and the frame of the bike and brought the bike to an abrupt halt, while physics propelled him over the bar and onto the pavement, head first.  He was complaining of dizziness, and said his stomach hurt, so we told him to stay where he was.  At first, he said not to call the ambulance, and we were able to get ahold of his mom, so we waited for a minute or two, but he was feeling worse, so we went ahead and called 911.  Sandy picked up Ailish while I waited for the paramedics to arrive.  I felt bad for the boy - he felt stupid until they put the neck collar on him and braced him to the back board.  He looked pretty scared at that point.  His mom had just arrived in time to watch them load him into the ambulance.  I instantly remembered Kieran’s concussion, off a tricycle of all things.  One of the scariest things I’ve been through as a mom.  Around our house, if you’re on wheels, you are helmeted!

It’s funny because literally, as I was driving to school that day, I was thinking about an email my friend Ellen had sent me that morning.  It was a letter to all of us who grew up in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, without helmets, without seatbelts, without antibacterial gels.  How did we possibly survive without these things?  How we would run around outside all day, our mothers not having a clue as to where we were, as long as we made it back at sundown, they were happy, and we were happy.  There was no obesity - we were too busy running around all day.  I was thinking about the fact that my girls have never had that kind of freedom - I am always concerned about the worst possible outcome, and then I work backwards from there.  On the way to the school, I passed an adult on a bike without a helmet.  I wondered what the statistics were - how many people were actually saved from injury or death by wearing those helmets?  And then I saw that boy.  Yes, sometimes it might seem overboard, what we do now to protect our kids, but it only takes one time to remind you that we do it for a reason.

Wednesday morning, Brad left for a City Attorneys Conference in Squaw Valley.  We were officially on our own for the rest of the week.  I had a long meeting with some leaders on Wednesday afternoon, and then Kieran and I ran errands until it was time to get Ailish and do the afternoon dance.  Thankfully, we had nothing else that night - we needed a break!  I watched the Dodgers break the record for home starts.  It was a good night.  Life was good.

Thursday, we left early for a urology appointment for Ailish in Beverly Hills.  It’s only 45 miles from us, but with traffic, it can be tricky to know how long it will take to get down there.  I left with one hour and 45 minutes to get there, and we just made it.  As we were sitting in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I got a text from my friend, Diane.  “What’s up with Manny?”  I thought, hmm, did his hamstring get injured again last night?  I quickly fired up my web access on my phone, and there it was, big headlines.  No, Manny, no.  I know, I *know*, it’s just baseball.  But it’s not just baseball for me.  It is my distraction, it is my oxygen.  I know for a fact that life is much harder to handle from October - April.  There’s nothing to be my diversion during those months.  I love that I can be totally, intensely, in the middle of a game, from the comfort of my bed.  Yet, I can also be there, right there, in the middle of the stadium, and it’s absolutely magical for me, every single time.  I haven’t made it there this year.  Between Kieran’s schedule, their new penchant for Saturday day games (I can’t sit in the sun that long - it’s like begging for a Lupus flare), and the cost of tickets, things just haven’t lined up yet.  But I check the schedule all the time, dreaming of the day I can get back to the stadium.  And now, with this news, it’s like finding out Santa isn’t real.  Sure, I may have had suspicions, but as long as I kept believing, and as long as the magic kept happening, it was better to believe in the good, right?  And now, the good is gone.  I tried to absorb the news.  I wondered if the girls would ask about it.  I thought it would be a good teachable moment for Kieran.  I don’t think they’ve actually heard it yet, though.  I knew this would be a blow for the team.  I had hoped it would be a blip, that maybe they’d want to prove more than ever that they could do it without him.  But from what I’m hearing, the team is more upset by Manny’s refusal to talk to them, the players.  He’s talked to the GM, he’s talked to the owners, but aside from a brief conversation with Torre on the day the news broke, he hasn’t talked to the team.  That probably hurts more than the initial news.  The honeymoon is dramatically over.  Our dream run is tainted.  And the Dodgers have responded by losing two in a row, to teams that are far less caliber than they are.  They seem stunned into submission, just like the rest of us.  Thankfully, today, they came back and showed what kind of team they can be, with or without Manny.  I hope that the setback was temporary, and that they will carry on as they should.  I finally had to have that difficult conversation today with Kieran, talking about steroids, cheating, and sports.  She didn’t quite understand it until I put it into swimming terms, and then it became very clear.  I knew that baseball had these elements, but this really puts it right into the forefront.  I hate having that kind of conversation with my kids.

After her doctor appointment, we cruised Beverly Hills a bit.  We drove down Rodeo Drive, found a Jamba to get a snack, and then drove down Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood.  We ended up at the Los Angeles institution, Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles.  Ailish wasn’t hungry, though, so we ate as quickly as we could and got back on the road for home.  I had a leader meeting Thursday night, so I had to prep for that, and of course, Kieran had swim first.  It was going to be another one of those crazy nights.

Yesterday was so busy.  We had a brief respite during the morning, but from the time we got Ailish from school, we were on the run.  Kieran had a troop meeting from 3:30 - 5:00.  We had to leave early at 4:30 to get her to swim on time.  After I dropped her off, I took Ailish home so she could get ready for the Girl Scout Father-Daughter Sweetheart Dance.  Grandpa graciously stepped in to be her date.  I ran back to pick up Kieran, then came home to straighten up a bit and get my camera ready (I was the photographer for the night).  Grandpa brought Ailish a corsage, which was so sweet.  We took a few pics, and then Grandpa and Ailish went off in one car while Kieran and I went in the other. 

Since the dance was for 4th graders and up, Kieran was going to be my assistant.

It was a great night for everyone - I love taking pics of the couples.  I have been doing it for 4 or 5 years now, and it’s so interesting to see the girls grow up.  When they are younger, they are so excited to finally be able to go to the dance with their dads.  As they get older, they either play it up more, with a sense of humor, or you can tell that this will be their last year.  They start to distance themselves from their dads.  It’s kind of sad to see, but you know it’s part of the process.  Grandpa was such a sport, and Ailish had a great time.  After the dance, we said goodbye to him and helped with the clean up.  We got home at 10:10, and just a few minutes later, Daddy pulled in.  We were glad he made it in time to say good night to the girls.

This morning, we were up bright and early.  First up was Ailish’s second riding lesson.  The instructor was running a bit behind, which would have been fine, but we had a very carefully constructed schedule today.  I knew this was going to throw us off.  I called Brad and warned him he needed to leave with Kieran at 12:30 to get to the Junior Lifeguard Try-Outs.  Ailish got on her horse about 20 minutes late.  I took pics, but it’s hard to tell she’s having a good time.  She is so serious, so intent, which the instructor says is a good thing, but it’s hard to tell she is having a good time.  She says she gets lost in it, which is a really good thing for her, much like baseball is for me. 

Next week, she will have a different instructor, so I hope it goes as well.  I signed her up for summer camp today, two days a week for three weeks.  Hopefully she’ll enjoy it.  From there, we raced to the site of Kieran’s try-outs.  We beat Brad and Kieran there, so we just waited and then I switched off girls.  The try-outs were interesting.  I think in her competitive environment, she can easily lose sight of just how much progress she’s made because she’s always comparing herself to the person who just beat her.  The try-out requirements weren’t terribly demanding, but still, she stressed about it beforehand.  She was required to swim 100 yards in less than two minutes, 30 seconds.  Her 100 Free is currently 1:38, so I knew she would be fine.  Still, it wasn’t until I saw her out there, racing against another 9-year-old and two 11-year-olds, that I could see how far advanced she is.  She finished with nearly a length of the pool between her and the next girl.  She was also required to swim underwater for 10 yards, and then tread water for three minutes.  We were in and out in 30 minutes, mostly thankfully to luck, as her name was pulled for try-outs very quickly.  She’ll do Junior Lifeguards for the first month of summer.  I’m not sure if she’ll have the energy to swim also, but we’ll keep it there and see how she does with both.  I would just like her to have the opportunity to do other things on the lake, like kayaking, and she’ll learn first aid and CPR, which is always useful (and worth a Girl Scout badge - nothing like double duty :)  Plus, it will keep her away from Ailish for a month, which is always a good thing.

I talked to Brenna today, and, miracle of all miracles, all of the jeans fit!  Of course, her favorites are the Aeropostales, but that's okay, I now know that they have good sales :)

After a stop at the grocery store, we came home to a clean patio, which is really the only Mother’s Day present I wanted!  We have a tree (don’t ask me what kind, I am *horrible* with botanics) that blooms in the spring, these little tiny white flowers, and then with the terrible wind we’ve had these past couple of weeks, all of the dried flowers have blown into our patio.  That, combined with year-old pool noodles, had made for a very scary patio.  Brad cleaned everything up and washed it down.  Thanks, honey!

So, tonight is a party for my friend Ellen’s husband, where I am doing double duty as photographer and reveler.  Let’s hope the photography comes first before the revelry gets into full effect!

I have to say, around here, it’s been so much calmer the last week or so.  I don’t know if it’s just been so busy that they haven’t had a chance to argue much, or if things are finally settling in, but it’s been almost pleasant.  Sure, there is still sibling stuff, but it’s truly sibling stuff, not something more sinister.  Ailish is definitely still paranoid and that sort of thing, but things have definitely evened out into a much more stable kind of routine.  I am very very cautiously optimistic that maybe this summer won’t be as difficult as I’d feared.  Cautiously.

As for tomorrow, I have absolutely, blissfully, nothing planned.  I might scrap a little, which reminds me, somewhere during the last month, I did get a few pages done!  Standard disclaimers and all that - nothing earth shattering, but it’s recorded, and that’s what matters the most. 

And, I will be teaching for Cropper Hopper at ScrapFest in September in Minneapolis!  So I’m excited about that as well.  I’m just planning to relax tomorrow - I don’t want to fight the crowds at restaurants, I just want to enjoy being at home.  I’m thinking of my mom, wishing she were here, but mostly I’m just looking forward to the possibility of a blank slate tomorrow, because, once again, there is a very busy week ahead!

The Point

So, during my Sunday conversation with Brenna, she let me know that she has finally grown out of her 14 slims.  To quote her, she’s “popping” out of them.  This is cause for celebration!  For awhile there, we were sliding backwards on the weight, so it’s nice that she’s moving in the right direction.  I didn’t want to sound too happy, though - remembering my own experience with eating issues, I know to bring a great deal of attention to it might mess up the progress, so I just nonchalantly said I would try to find new jeans for her, although I knew it would be difficult without her there to try them on.

I didn’t realize until Monday just how difficult it would be.  Though I prefer the size 16’s, because they still have the adjustable waist, I knew she might think they were “kid-like,” and want to move to Juniors, but what size of Juniors, and did she really have the curves to hold them up?  After a *great* deal of searching at four different stores and the mall, and consulting with my Facebook friends, I decided on a pair of Levi’s 16 Slim, a pair of Target 16 Slim, a pair of 0 short that I got at Marshall’s and I’m blanking on the name brand, and then at Aeropostale, I found two pair - one 00 short and one 0 short.  So, five pair for $60, and hopefully at least one of them will fit!  It was during this trip that I made my first venture into Hollister.  Thank goodness I went in alone!  I had told Ailish and Kieran that since they were both starting at new schools this year, and both of them had more clothes than five girls could wear, they would each be getting $40 for school clothes to spend as they wish (with parental approval, of course), and anything else, they’d have to pay for on their own.  I said, for example, if they wanted to spend $40 on a sweatshirt, that was fine, but that was all they would get.  I may have missed that mark on the underside!  If Hollister is their goal, they might get two t-shirts for that price!  Still, they have plenty of opportunities to earn money, and Ailish’s birthday is in July, so I’m sure she’ll have no problem building a suitable wardrobe.

I ran around doing all this shopping until pick-up time at the school.  Once I had the girls, we raced home to make sandwiches before swim practice.  We had a crazy schedule that day, having to go from swim straight to a Girl Scout SUM meeting for me.  Since Brad wouldn’t be home until later, I didn’t have a choice but to bring them, and there wasn’t even time to stop and grab fast food.  We all made sub-style sandwiches, and I packed them, some chips and potato salad in a cooler.  The girls were *so* excited to be eating in the car - it cracked me up.  My mom was famously frugal with food - we *never* ate out until I was much older (totally understand why, with 6-8 kids in the house, but this is my kid perspective!) - so when we traveled, even cross country, she’d make us sandwiches in the morning, and we’d eat them as we passed these tantalizing places - McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Burger King, etc.  To this day, I hate sandwiches.  But for the girls, making them on sub buns I picked up just for the occasion, and having their little portions metered out, they just loved it.

The next day was supposed to be just as crazy, but my support group meeting was canceled.  That was a bummer, but as far as we were concerned, at least we didn’t have to run from one thing to the next.  Still, I was busy during the day, getting my labs done, having lunch with my friend Ellen, and trying to track down Ailish’s costume components for her Aphrodite project.  But after swim, we were able to go home, which was nice.  I was telling Kieran after dinner that I needed to do a 9-year-old photo shoot with her, and that I needed to do a favorites page - I haven’t done one in years.  She asked what a favorites page was, so I starting trying to find one in my albums.  From there, we pored through albums for nearly two hours.  Seeing them all just made me realize how much I need to do it again.  It’s not just a hobby, and I know I say that to my students and other people all the time, but I have neglected it *so* much in the last few years.  The girls *love* looking at their pages, love remembering things they’d long forgotten, and oh, to remember that Kieran’s favorite food at 4 was, “the chicken that is pink at pink fish,” which meant the salmon at her favorite restaurant, Think Fish.  That restaurant has been closed for at least two years, and we would never have remembered that.  Or that her favorite animal was a snake, because it had bumpy skin, and how funny it is now that her favorite animal is a bearded dragon - why?  Because of his skin!  And guess what?  The girls never once commented on the design.  They didn’t care if they were my first pages or my Hall of Fame pages - they just loved the stories - that was it.  I have to fit that somewhere back into my schedule.  I realized more than ever how important it was.  Brad came in around 9:30, surprised that both girls were nowhere near ready for bed.  Totally my fault!  We were so lost in the books!  With a groan, the girls got ready and headed up to bed.  That night, I felt like I had a tickle in my throat.

Yesterday promised to be a very busy day, but I woke up with more than a tickle.  I had a dry cough that wouldn’t go away.  We were joking that I hadn’t sprouted a tail, so it must not be swine flu!  I didn’t have a fever, and felt fine otherwise, so I just went about my business.  I had tea with my friend, Gina, and ran home to work on a few Girl Scout things and have lunch with Brad at home before picking everyone up.  Ailish had a dr. appointment, so I had to pull her at the same time as I pulled Kieran.  Plus, I had Kyle - my companion for this week :)  Since Sandy was recovering from gall bladder surgery, and I’ve been picking him up.  He likes to act like I really annoy him, but then I make him laugh in spite of himself.  Yesterday, I called the three of them my little ducklings as we crossed the street, and I started quacking.  That got a giggle!  I dropped him off, and then we were on our way into the valley for the appointment.  They claimed we weren’t in the system, even though we had a card with that date and time, but they said they would squeeze us in - no apology, no nothing, but hey, at least we were squeezed.  Everything went fine, got new prescriptions, and then we were back on the road.  My goal was to get home in time for Kieran to eat something before swim.  We actually think she may be a little hypoglycemic, because man, if that kid is hungry and can’t get to food, watch out!  She turns into a total crab until she gets food in her system.  Since she burns such a massive amount of calories every day in swim, as soon as I pick her up, she’s starving.  Usually we have some snacks in the car - jerky, chips, 100 calorie bags, something, but yesterday we had run dry.  She had turned into a bear!  We hit some traffic on the way back, but thankfully, we made it with 23 minutes for her to eat. 

Brad ended up working from home yesterday, which was such a blessing.  Ailish didn’t have to go to swim, and it gave her time to choose the perfect outfit for her junior high orientation last night.  She told me it had to be, “teen casual,” which I didn’t quite decipher.  Then she decided it had to be, “teen responsible.”  Hmmm...I knew whatever it was, she would need the entire time until orientation, and she would look impeccable!  BTW, she is *very* excited that her school does not have a uniform policy like the other junior highs in the district.  Me, not so much.  That would have solved a lot of the morning problems!  But, for her, it’s a definite plus!

So off to swim we went, and then an hour later, Brad brought Ailish to me and we switched places.  I picked up my friend Gina and her son, who was also attending the same Junior High, and off we went to orientation.  It was kind of crazy at the beginning, with tours leaving every 3-5 minutes.  I think Gina and I are both still in a state of shock or denial about the whole thing, while Ailish and her friend are really excited.  I suppose it’s better than the other way around!  We took the tour, and I was happy to learn that 7th and 8th graders are, for the most part, segregated.  And even though the junior high has 1,000 kids, since they are split into teams, they really only interact with about 150 kids.  Obviously, Ailish’s situation is different, but still, I’m hoping she will feel less lost than I’m fearing.  After the tour, they told the kids to go into the gym, and the parents to go into the MPR.  Gina and I both had a look of abject terror.  Send our kids, alone, into the gym?  I swear to you, it was one of those pedaling the bicycle kind of moments.  Let go?  Really?  Is she going fast enough?  Is she going too fast?  Finally, we said okay, and told them to meet us in a specific location after the presentation.

The principal was really funny.  She was young - okay, she was probably my age, and I still consider that young, but she’s not young to much of the population :) - and she was very sympathetic to us newbies.  She said in many ways, junior high is harder on the parents than the kids, which I can totally understand.  A lot of what she and the team talked about didn’t apply to us, but still, I could feel myself get a little hopeful that Ailish would do well here - that maybe she can handle it.  I hope so, I really do.  I’m hoping that she will try out for Choir, which would be her one elective class, but she hasn’t decided whether to do that or the exploratories.  The advantage is that she picks choir, the exploratories are chosen for her.

And, bonus for me, at least for that night, was that halfway through the presentation, I realized that C. Thomas Howell (remember the Outsiders?  Red Dawn?) was sitting across the aisle from us.  I only recognized him because he’s been on Southland, which is one of my favorite new shows.  He is much thinner now, which, when I looked him up later, I discovered was because his appendix burst several years ago and it took him many years to recover from that.  Anyway, thin or no, salt and pepper hair or no, he is still every bit the teen heart throb I remember.  I mean, it’s not like Kyle Chandler was sitting across from me, but it was still pretty cool :)

By the time I got home last night, my throat hurt, and I could tell my cough was picking up speed.  I barely slept last night, tossing and turning to try to find the right way to breathe.  When I woke up, I felt like death warmed over, although I had no fever.  Promise, it’s not the flu!  Still, I could seriously do without this because I have so much to do over the next few days!

I told myself I would just take the girls to school and then I’d go home and get in bed.  But after I dropped them off, I decided to run to Staples to finally ship Brenna’s jeans.  I’d been meaning to do it all week, but it kept getting away from me.  While I was there, I thought I’d check the clearance table.  They had 3-packs of the Kleenex boutique boxes for 50 cents!  50 cents!  I was loading up when a sales guy came back and said they had another basket under the table with more of them.  Yes!  I got 15 of them, that would be 45 boxes of Kleenex for 7.50!  I was so excited, I knew the Charter School would be so happy to have them, especially right now with all this flu scare.

I drove straight to the school, because the boxes were taking up half my car, and dropped them off.  They were quite excited about my delivery.  After that, I remembered I had to head to Target to pick up Ailish’s prescriptions from yesterday and grab a few snack things to keep the Kieran monster from roaring too much.  I was also on the hunt for the perfect temporary hair color for Ailish’s Aphrodite look.  I finally decided after two more stops that I would have to bring Ailish with me to decide.  So, I dragged myself home with just enough time to rest for an hour before the girls need to be picked up again.  So much for my plan of resting today!  But at least tonight is completely empty, except for dying Ailish’s hair for tomorrow.  Hopefully I won’t be worse tomorrow, because I really want to see her in action at the wax museum.  And then we have the swim meet on Saturday, and then the Girl Scout Tea on Sunday.  I just don’t possibly have time to be sick!

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this little controversy about my posts, about my blog.  What it comes down to is this - when my brother was diagnosed as a juvenile diabetic at the age of 8, my mother vowed that she would learn everything she could about it, and she would fight it as much as she could.  When the doctors told my mom there was nothing they could do, and to take him home and let him die at the age of 12, she told them to go to hell, and she found a new doctor who was working on experimental treatments for juvenile diabetics.  My brother ended up being one of the very first people ever to wear an insulin pump.  My mom adored my brother, but she hated the disease.  When my brother was having an insulin reaction, he would become incoherent, violent at times, and until we could get his blood sugar levels taken and figure out if he was too high or too low, and then somehow get him to eat or to let us give him a shot, he was very hard to handle.  She didn’t talk about it, but I know it was really hard on her.  I adored my brother, I still do.  But I hated his disease.  There were times when I resented the attention he got, the gifts he was given for being in the hospital (which I *totally* understand now, but again, this is my kid perspective), the amount of time and effort my mom put into the Juvenile Diabetes Foundation.  I never dared speak about this - I knew what her answer would be.  I was healthy, I should be grateful.  And I was grateful, but still, I hated his disease.

I love my girls.  I loved them with everything I am from the moment I knew they existed.  I have loved them through the good and the bad, cried more tears for them then I even knew were possible, fought for them every step of the way, and quite literally risked my life to ensure their safety and well-being.  BUT, I hate their disorders.  I hate the control it has over them, I hate that they can’t just snap out of it, I hate that there is no cure, I hate that just talking about it causes most people in social circles to make that, “Oh....” face as they subtly take a step back.  I hate that there is no public outcry to find more help for these disorders.  I hate that the older they get, the less control I have over how much these disorders will affect their lives.  I hate how much these disorders have affected our family - and that is the understatement of the year.  The problem is, it is much harder to separate these disorders from the people who have them than it is to separate diabetes from my brother.  Diabetes did shape him, but it did not necessarily define him.  I don’t want their disorders to define them either.  But it is *very* hard sometimes to distinguish where the person stops and the disorders begin. 

I am not grateful for the disorders, in the way people sometimes talk about being grateful for disabilities or illness, because it teaches them to treasure every moment.  I am not grateful.  I am angry.  I am angry that they are so impossibly brilliant and beautiful and yet they get held down by their own thoughts or actions.  I am angry that I can’t dare to hope for a bright future because I am so scared that there is no future.  I am angry that I can’t just love all three of them together - can’t just be with them and enjoy their company - there is always an undercurrent among the three of them that unsettles me.  I can be with one and love them unconditionally.  Two of them, and I have to start picking sides.  Three of them, and I feel like I’m on the teacup ride, spinning madly, unable to get my bearings, completely out of control.  I am angry that by enjoying the easy company that is Kieran, that automatically makes her my favorite.  I don’t want to have a favorite, but I am angry to admit that yes, it truly is easier to be with her.  She is not perfect, she is not without faults, and truth be told, she gets in far more trouble than her sisters do at home because I expect so much more from her.  I’m angry that she takes on so much of this.  I am angry that she feels like she has to be responsible, that she has to grow up and cure the world.  I am angry that so much blame is placed on the parents, from the time they are babies and need, "more consistent discipline."  I am angry that so much of this is beyond my reach, that no matter how hard I try, I may never have the answers that the girls need, and I may have to admit defeat someday.

This blog is about many things - it’s about me, sometimes it’s about scrapbooking, it’s about my girls, but much of the time, it is about my war with these disorders.  I need more troops to fight this battle, and every once in awhile, a parent will stumble onto this site and realize that they don’t have to fight this war alone.  That makes me feel good, and it gives me just a tiny bit of hope, because we definitely need to band together to fight.  My girls are all aware of this blog, and at least at this point in their lives, they have told me that they understand why I write it.  I think I have made the distinction to them that there is a difference between them and their issues.  And that I do write about positive things too.  For Ailish, that’s the important part :)  Maybe someday it will be embarrassing for them - probably so.  If it is, I will apologize.  But for me, it is an important part of my life.  For me, for them even, as I document the journey we’ve been on, for others out there who might find it and realize they need help, and for this greater battle that we need to wage.  Maybe I am kidding myself, but I would like to believe that I write this with the best of intentions.

I'm Still Standing

So right after I hit send on my last post, I got an email that my favorite Urgent Care doctor, pretty much the only Urgent Care doctor I trusted, had lost his wife and daughter in a horrible car accident the day before.  His 5-year-old was critically injured, and his toddler was hospitalized as well.  I was in shock.  I remember him showing me baby pictures of the daughter he lost, years ago, when the girls were frequent fliers in Urgent Care.  For a few years there, we were in there once a week with ear infections, UTIs and bronchitis.  We joked that he was our primary doctor, because he was the one we saw weekly!  He saw me for my DVT and told me to get to the ER as quickly as possible.  I just saw him last month for my latest UTI, and we joked that it had been a long time since I’d been in there.  I just can’t imagine the agony he is going through right now.  I debated for a long time about whether to get a card - I wanted him to know that he had an impact on our lives, and how sorry I was for this tragically sudden loss, but I heard this information from the “inside,” as a friend of mine is married to our girls’ pediatrician.  I didn’t want him to think it was weird that a patient knew about his private life.

Eventually, I decided to get the card - I had no idea Hallmark had cards for “sudden loss,” but I’m glad they did - the other cards just didn’t do justice.  I dropped the card off at Urgent Care, and the receptionist gave me a bit of a strange look, but she promised to make sure it got to him.  In the end, I decided it was worth it to let him know that he meant something to us, although I’m not sure any words right now would be a comfort.

Thursday, Brad took Kieran to swim so that we could get to the allergist.  The doctor was absolutely slack-jawed at the improvement in Ailish’s eczema.  I am too!  He prescribed Clobetasol, which is a very strong steroid cream, and only to be used with really bad cases.  But honestly, it works overnight.  It is amazing how quickly we saw an improvement, and we just don’t use it unless Ailish’s skin gets really bad, and then we’re back to clear again.  It was pretty funny to watch him - he said he was being very unprofessional, but he just couldn’t get over how clear her skin was.  He said she made his week, which made her giggle.  I was pretty impressed, too - we have tried an incredible assortment of creams through the years, without success, but this was the first one that truly made a dramatic difference.  After the appointment, back to swim we went.  Right as we walked up, Brenna called me on my cell.  She was begging to come home for a visit.  I know this sounds horribly cruel.  I am well aware of what I must sound like - but she was just here in January, that’s only three months ago, and every single thing she promised did not happen.  Now we have the added stress (for Brenna and for us) of Ailish in the house, and her promises mean absolutely nothing because she is powerless against Ailish’s manipulation.   She promised, over and over again, that things would be different this time, but I tried to explain to her, at 13, things have much bigger implications.  If she hurts one of us, she can be arrested, and I will not bail her out of juvenile hall.  I’m trying to make her understand that she is not coming to a stable house - we are still trying to deal with Ailish’s presence, and now is not a good time for a “stress test.”  But she was adamant that she could do this.  I ended with a, “I’ll see what I can do.”  I knew we were having therapy the next day, so I figured we’d talk about it more then.  I looked at flights for June, but I’m just not ready to commit yet.  Brenna’s DMH case worker will be out there next week, and she assured me that Brenna has to prove to us with more than a month of good behavior that she’s ready for a home pass, so I hope she’s able to assess the situation objectively.  It makes me so angry when Brenna says things like, “Everyone here is telling me I just need to see home,” because I just think she’s been so manipulated by the staff.  They want her out, so they are moving her through her paces, and she has no idea.  Still, I ended the conversation feeling absolutely monstrous.  How could a mother say, “You can’t come home,” to her own child?  But I know it’s for many reasons - first and foremost, I don’t think it would be helpful for her to try her newfound stability (if that’s what it is, and it isn’t just a facade), on an unstable situation.  Secondly, I am not in a place where I feel like I can handle all three of them at once.  90% of the time, Brad is working, which leaves me alone with the three of them.  The last time I was with the three of them was May 2007, and it ended with me sobbing in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Texas. 

After the phone call, I went inside the swim complex and told Brad about it, and he agreed that this is just really bad timing, and that Brenna was being manipulated into believing this was the best thing at this time.  He left with Ailish, while I stayed, waiting for Kieran to finish up her practice.

That night, the girls were trying to prepare for “College Day,” the next day at school.  Since we don’t have a steady supply of college shirts, the girls decided to wear their Canyons t-shirts, which are both a college and the aquatics club where Kieran swims.  Ailish has a shirt, one we bought for Brenna originally to cheer Kieran on.  Ailish couldn’t find the shirt, and she was convinced Kieran had it, although I was downstairs and had no idea this was going on.  I could hear Ailish arguing with Brad, I could hear a lot of drawers being slammed, but I didn’t realize until 30 minutes later exactly what the argument was.  The t-shirt was in the dryer, it had been the whole time - something Ailish would have known had she done her chore that day.  But there you go.  She didn’t admit her mistake, wouldn’t acknowledge anything.  And that’s just as much the issue as anything else. Kieran ended up so frustrated, she climbed into our bed, buried her head and went to sleep.  She didn’t want to be anywhere near Ailish’s room.

Friday was Ailish’s IEP at her Junior High School.  Ailish is up right now - she is looking forward to Junior High because it will give her a chance to meet lots of new people.  Me, not so much.  I hoped she was so up that she didn’t see my panicked expressed upon witnessing the crowd of scantily dressed kids in the quad.  (She was - she didn’t even notice).  Once we got into the IEP itself, we were informed in a round about way that all the services that had been provided by our elementary district were pretty much being stripped.  Homework was a required part of Junior High, transportation would not be provided, and she would be integrating for one class, which was an exploratory, but she would not get to choose her elective - it rotated every quarter.  The schedule was mind-boggling.  Though I understood the idea of 90 minute blocks of class, giving the students a chance to cover more classwork in a longer period of time, I did not understand why they had to rotate the classes.  One day, the classes go 1, 3, 5.  The next day, 2, 4, 6.  The next day, 3, 5, 1.  The next, 4, 6, 2.  And so on.  It’s hard enough to change classes, but to change schedules every single day?  I thought this was a recipe for disaster.  Given the fact that every single classroom had to have the schedule posted on its window, and four kids checked in with our teacher during the IEP, this was not something the kids could master easily, even in the best of situations.  Thankfully, Ailish qualifies for adaptive P.E., so there is still a safety net in that regard, but the rest of it, yeah, I liken it to tying her to the railroad track.  Just like the first round of IEP’s in her elementary school, we have to wait for her to crash before we get any more help.  Since she was there with us (she’d been invited), I didn’t voice any of this, but boy, did I feel it.  I realized, having taken away so many of the accommodations, that she could have done well at the charter school, but then again, I want Kieran to have a place completely separated from Ailish’s world.  But trying to juggle their schedules is going to be tough.  They both need to be at school and be picked up at the same time, and their schools are more than 10 miles from each other.  Thankfully Ailish starts weeks before Kieran does, so we’ll have a chance to get her settled before we start juggling, but my mind is swirling.  So no, for Ailish, she’s not disappointed, but that’s only because she doesn’t know any better.  I won’t tell her for now - I couldn’t live with the months of anxiety.

Friday afternoon, Brad and I had therapy with Brenna and her new therapist.  Again, we went over the issue of her coming home. Again, we listed the reasons why we thought this was a bad idea.  Again, the two of them volleyed back why it was okay.  I described the issue with the whole Ailish/shirt thing.  I asked her what she would have done if Ailish had accused her of stealing.  She said she would just ask Ailish to go through her drawers if she didn’t believe her.  Ha!  We did a bit of role play, and Brenna admitted that she would not react well to Ailish accusing her of stealing and continuing to up the ante until Brenna exploded.  If it brought Kieran to the brink of losing it, I know exactly what kind of reaction it would get out of Brenna.  The therapist asked me if I thought one of the girls (hmmm...wonder which one?) could be away at a relative’s house during the time Brenna visited.  We might be able to work something out, but how does that reflect Brenna’s true progress if she’s not forced to confront the issues?  But I don’t want her to confront it because I know that she’s not ready, and the consequences of that could be traumatic to everyone involved.  It’s quite a Catch 22 - one that I think could be solved if we just slowed down, waited a little bit longer, but with the push coming from staff, Brenna thinks she “needs” to visit as soon as possible.  It’s very frustrating.  I am just going to wait until the caseworker calls me and gives me her assessment.

Saturday, Brad was nice enough to take the girls out for the day - they went to the original Tommy’s burger in Los Angeles, and then headed to Galco’s Soda Pop Stop, which is a very cool L.A. institution.  We lived near there for nine years, and we never made it there, but I’m glad the girls were able to explore and pick out their own cool sodas.  After that, he took them to the cemetery, which I wasn’t sure would go over well, but he wanted to show them his great-aunt’s headstone, which I thought was nice.  For me, of course, the most wonderful part was the hours of silence.  Of course to get to that silence took a lot of work - I told the girls they had to have their chores done before they left.  Kieran pulled a lot of daily chores that week - walk the dogs daily, dishes daily, that sort of thing.  Ailish pulled more of the big things, like vacuuming the stairs and cleaning the bathrooms.  Some of those chores were supposed to be done on Friday, but Ailish hadn’t done it, so they had stacked up on Saturday.  Kieran was finished in less than an hour, and even cleaned up her room.  Ailish, instead, chose to complain loudly as she moved through her chores ever so slowly.  She was getting more and more angry at Kieran (because it was unfair, even though chores are purely luck of the draw), so I decided to run Kieran to Marshall’s to look for new practice suits.  Hers are reaching the point of sagginess from wearing out, and I wasn’t willing to spend $20-$40 on each suit.  Marshall’s had the perfect suits, for $14.99.  They had two suits I was willing to buy for 9.99, but Kieran wanted the $14.99 ones, so she was perfectly willing to pony up $10 to cover the difference.  We came back from Marshall’s and very carefully explained that Kieran paid for part of it.  Ailish will immediately take that as an unfair advantage if she thinks Kieran has something that she needs.  With Kieran out of the house, Ailish seemed to speed up, so it only took another 45 minutes to pick out her outfit for going out.  I don’t think my words convey the level of frustration, not just from me but from Brad, from Kieran, from the whole house, when Ailish blocks an outing like this.  She knew she had all the power, and she was going to use it to her full advantage.  Brad was hoping to get on the road by 10:00.  It was 12:30 when they left, and even then, she didn’t do two of her chores - I finally decided it wasn’t worth it to punish everyone else.  But even neglecting the chores, she deliberately took so much time picking clothing.  And the more we comment, the slower she goes.  She knows very well we can’t say, “If you aren’t down here by _____, we are leaving.”  Most of the time, we are all leaving together, or we’re going to school, or something similar where leaving her behind is not an option.  And if Brad had said fine, he’d just take Kieran, Ailish would use that against him (and Kieran) in a heartbeat.  We would never live that down.  We are all, in a sense, hostages to her plans.  I’ve stopped talking about time in the mornings.  Even though Kieran gets up on her own at 6:00, just to have alone time, and is fully ready for school by 7:30, Ailish hasn’t even gotten out of the shower by then.  She finally comes down the stairs at 7:45, when we’re supposed to be leaving.  She carefully, slowly, eats breakfast, takes her meds.  Lately, we’ve been lucky to get out at 7:55.  Kieran and I silently watch the clock, hoping that they won’t be tardy.  It just frustrates me completely that she can still wield this kind of control.

Saturday, I also had the opportunity to help someone whose 7-year-old daughter was suicidal.  She was an acquaintance of a friend, and I was happy to take the call.  I walked her through the different hospitals, whom to contact, what to say, how to handle the admissions people and the insurance people, and offered to be a continuing resource if she needed it.  All of us who are in the thick of it just keep saying, “There has got to be a better way!  No parent should have to go through this alone!”  We will get there - finishing my book is an important part of it.  I’m now in the process of typing in my handwritten pages.  That gets us to May 2005, which is when I started this blog.  From the blog entries, I can reconstruct a lot of those years.  I am, slowly but surely, making progress.  But the book has nothing to do with me, or with money, or any of that.  I just want there to be an open conversation about this - with Oprah, with the Today show, with whomever will listen.  I want them to understand that these kids are really, truly ill, and that they and their parents need more support than ever.  This is *everyone’s* problem, because without treatment, many of these children will end up in the justice system, a system we all pay for.  A huge percentage of those incarcerated are mentally ill, and many of them commit crimes just to get the medical treatment.  There’s the human toll as well.  I don’t want my children responsible for hurting anyone else, and I can’t stop them by myself.  This problem is so much bigger than we are. 

Yesterday morning, I had my quarterly rheumatology appointment.  We go over my latest round of blood tests, see if there are any med changes, etc.  One thing, since at my last appointment, it seemed like all of my antibodies were “lying low,” (those things can fluctuate wildly from month to month), I decided on my own to stop taking the steroids.  I figured I’d see how I did and go from there.  My hands hurt more, my knee hurts, and if I spend any time in the sun, I’m done for the rest of the day, but I haven’t had the extreme exhaustion I’ve felt when I am having a flare.  The bonus of going off the meds?  I’ve lost 20 pounds without trying.  Of course, I know those same 20 pounds will come back if I have to go back on them, but it’s nice to have my old clothes back for awhile.  There are other bonuses, like not having calcium leeching out of my bones, but you know, those are unseen :)  The one surprise was that the only blood test of concern was one relating to my kidney function.  I just laughed - what else could I do?  I told him the whole story, and he just shook his head.  He asked me to follow up with my new primary when I see her, although I am just not sure where else she can send me on this road.

I just want to thank you all for your notes and comments.  I know I sounded pretty rough last week, and honestly, most of this week was rough as well.  But I think I’m beginning to find some footing again.  The rest of the week is super busy, including Ailish’s Junior High Orientation tomorrow night, so hopefully that will move us through the week quickly.  Kieran has a meet this weekend, which will prove to be tricky, I’m sure, with Ailish.  Ailish’s Greek Festival is Friday, so maybe, coming off her high of a successful Aphrodite performance, she’ll feel strong enough to not need to be the victim.  That’s the best I can hope for.